My grandmother.

Yesterday, my mother, my great aunt and I settled my grandmother into an Alzheimer's assisted living facility, where she will most likely live the remainder of her life.

I hesitated on posting about this because I don't exactly know how I feel about all of this yet. I'm not even sure I know where I'm going with this post but I felt compelled, if not for any other reason than to raise awareness of the disease.

Of course I'm sad and yes, it broke my heart, especially for my mom, but I logically know this is the best thing for her. Bitter sweet, I suppose. I feel the need to remember how we got to this point with her. "
"How does a vibrant life become reduced to assisted living?", is all I kept thinking yesterday. Full circle.

Recounting memories from my perspective...
My grandmother and I have never had an extremely tight bond. She's always been a "free spirit" of sorts and very self involved. She has always been involved in my life though, by no means absent....just different and even difficult at times.

She was an avid church goer and a spent a good portion of her life preaching The Word of God, mostly unsolicited, but I believe her heart was always in a good place. I think she believed that her role in my life was to make sure that I was Saved and following Jesus, since my parents never really pushed organized religion on me. This did help us bond when I was young, as I was always the child who wanted to please, so I would follow her around church and watch her socialize. Yes, my grandmother loved attention, and actually still does.

She divorced my grandfather when my mother was young: a wonderful man who struggled with addiction in their early years of marriage, but was sober my entire life, providing me with a grandfather that I could be very proud of. They remained good friends and participated in my life equally.

My high school years did not provide many happy memories of my grandmother. She had a horrible bout with depression and as she healed, she became a very different person. She decided to marry a very emotionally abusive man and disconnected herself from the family. I did not regain a healthy relationship with her until after my college years, even though she and this man were not together for long. I was angry with her at this point, for many things, but won't spend time airing laundry. I guess this is just when my innocence was lost and I realized that families can really suck.

In the late 90's, she met a wonderful, wonderful man whom she married very early into their courtship. All my family could gather is that my grandmother won some sort of prayer lottery and that God sent this man to her. He was/is that special. Just a kind spirit who would do anything for my grandmother, despite some of her attention grabbing ways.

For the last decade, this man is what made her a true grandmother to me. Every holiday, birthday, or reason to celebrate, he insured they were available. He holds family in the highest regard and really taught my grandmother how to do that too.

Two to three years into their marriage, my grandmother developed dementia. Like any other story about dementia, the progression was quite slow but did develop into Alzheimer's a few years later. Sometime in 2006, her husband began researching facilities for her, knowing she would outlive him because of her amazing bill of health and his failing heart.

Never giving in, because his pride was too strong, my grandmother's husband became her 24 hour caregiver. He became more than half of her brain, keeping her in a routine, keeping her socialized and involved with her family, personal care...you name it.

Now, he is the one in need of care, still in the hospital after 4 weeks, battling for his life in ICU. At this point he has been unresponsive but we're praying for a miracle.

Yesterday, we placed her in the facility, which her husband wishes for her to be, being that none of us can provide my grandmother with the 24 hour care that she needs. It's as lovely as a facility of this type can possibly be, with only Alzheimer's patients.

Nonetheless, it was a very sad day.

Sad for my aunt who feels like she's lost a sister already, and who has lost brothers to this disease as well. Sad for my grandmother's husband who could not be there to help ease my grandmother's anxiety about being in a new place. Sad for me that the only great grandparent that Lily has can barely remember that she exists....but mostly sad for my mom. The reasons don't need to be stated. I think they're all obvious.

With Alzheimer's, the family has to grieve the person twice. Once when the disease has progressed to the point of where my grandmother is,- constant repeating, little recognition of faces or names, severe confusion, forgetting obvious task such as going to the bathroom, wandering, etc-, and once when they pass away. It is the most cruel disease known to man. Cruel for everyone involved. Frustrating. Annoying. Sad.

Scary. Damn genetics.

www.alz.org