"Describe what kind of parent you would like to be"

This was the instruction of this week's activity in my pregnancy journal. I sat, with pen in hand, for about a half hour, trying to answer this. I think the instruction is too broad for my analytical mind but it inspired a blog post anyway.

I was certainly reminded of what kind of parent that I don't want to be, tonight, as I took long walk around my neighborhood...
I passed by a house, that was clearly not the cleanest, with a early 20's guy sitting on his front porch with an infant sitting on his lap. The baby couldn't have been older than 9 or 10 months old. The guy was smoking a cigarette, which annoyed me tremendously.
In the driveway, only steps away from the guy with the child, was the baby's mama putting a car seat in a car, and another woman, both also early 20's.
The guy sitting on the porch was screaming at the woman, spitting as he yelled, "You're a fucking whore, just like Amber! Every woman I have ever been with has been a piece of shit, including you! This kid is going to be a piece of shit, just like you! You're a whore, you bitch..." and so on.
The young woman's face was expressionless at first, until she saw me. Then her expression changed to embarrassed and possibly sad. I slowed my pace down a little just to make sure this woman, and child, were not going to be physically hurt and I asked if the woman needed anything. Her friend replied "No, they're ok. This happens".
This made me so sad as I walked away, still able to hear the guy screaming. I can't help but fear for our Lily to have to share a neighborhood with a product of a household such as that one.
That is the parent I will never be. That is the easy part.

Anyway, this whole activity first brought to my mind a quote that I read in a magazine, "I was a great parent before I had children". I thought that was a brilliant quote because clearly, this woman is similar to me...judgmental. In my adult life, specifically in the past few years, I have noticed that I find it easy to think to myself, "my God, why is that woman letting her kid throw a tantrum??", or, "seriously? You're allowing your 2 year old CHILD to make their own decision on what to eat for lunch at a restaurant?".

Those examples are that of strangers. Now, when it comes to my friends, I find that I have been a little more open minded, hoping I can learn something from them. Truth be told, I do still judge though. I suppose it's human nature or maybe it's just me?

Whatever the case, I do have this ideal in my mind that I will be pretty laid back and easy going so my child will be the same. I don't want to be strictly regimented when Lily is an infant. I want her to abide by our schedule, as much as possible, and not the other way around. I do not want to schedule bath time when she is an infant, as I am excited to smell her natural smell after a day or two without soap touching her skin. I would like to get SOME sleep when she sleeps, if at all possible, and not be too anal about housework during those moments.

As she gets older...this is where I have more difficulty explaining the type of parent I'd like to be, because let's face it, parenting is the most difficult job on earth. So I needed to start thinking of examples of good parents and what better examples than our own parents? I think we all know that our parents screwed up in one way or another, but all did their best.

In my mind, my parents did a great job and I hope to model most of my parenting after theirs. Sure, my mom could have been a little less smothering and sure, I would have liked a sibling, but overall, they had the right idea. They balanced being parents and friends, which is a tricky thing to do. Although I am an only child, they managed to instill a good work ethic and were able to curb my bratiness in front of others...most of the time! I will consider it a compliment if someone says, "you are just like your mother".

To conclude this rambling mess, I just want to be a good mom. I expect my kid to hate me at times and to also need me during others. I don't have false expectations. I know the job ahead of me is going to be the most challenging of my life. I just hope to use all of the good role models I have had throughout my life to formulate my parenting skills.

I'm scared shitless but I'm ready.