Physically challenged.

I'm ashamed of my physical self.

I've never been much of a fitness buff and I am absolutely not an athlete. I never did true sports as a child or an adolescent. I was a pop-warner cheerleader for two years in middle school and I danced for two years on high school. I tried desperately not to break a sweat in either activity. Imagine my disappointment when I had to cheer OUTSIDE in 99 degree Florida summer heat. Hence the reason why I only survived two years of cheer.
Middle school PE was absolutely horrible for me. You know how 99% of kids love PE and it was usually the one "A" on the report card that kids bank on? Yeah, that was not me. I hated it. Our middle school PE geniuses divided us into groups based on our activity levels and abilities. They tested us by running, mostly, which I detested and still detest to this day. We were in group 1, 2, or 3, which was so great for our self-esteem :::eyeroll::: I was always in group 3 with all of the overweight kids, sprinkled with the science kids or book worms that actually enjoyed studying more than they enjoyed physical activity. That was not me either. I was just lazy.

Now, when I say I "danced" in high school what I really mean is that I was on a reject dance team, labeled a "community dance team". It was a dance team created by former high school team dancers (which I was not one of) that were tired of the politics of being affiliated with the football team and dancing on the school's terms. I'm not even sure what those politics were or why there was so much distention, but I was always one to go with the rebellious group so I tried out for the team and I made it...somehow. I still contend my popularity got me on the team, not my dance skills.
It was lead and coached by a school guidance counselor who had a passion for dance. There were some really great dancers on the team, which I was not one of. I'm really not speaking out of low self esteem. I was not good. And I was so lazy.
I remember we attended a dance camp at a local college for three days before my senior year began. We danced alllll day long, each day. We were taught new dances and had to preform them the same evening we were taught in front of a panel of judges. I was the only one on the team that received nothing higher than an "Honorable Mention"for my performances, which was basically a "You're So SO Bad but Thanks for Trying and We Have to Give You Something" ribbon.
And my laziness? I have a video of us doing a dance at a Christmas festival downtown and we did a kick line (think Rockettes). I was the only one who stopped about half way through because I was winded. As in, I stopped performing and just stood in the line while everyone else continued kicking. I have never had endurance and have always been quite lazy.

All of that said, I have always been on the thin side, thanks to genetics. There was a time in middle school that I was somewhat overweight. I started going through puberty and hormones hit me outta nowhere in 7th grade, which is when I packed on some pounds. By the time I hit 9th grade, I gained some height and thinned out. Outside of pregnancy/post pregnancy weight (which happened to fall off within about a year and a half after having Lily) and that couple of years in middle school, I never have weighed over 120lbs.

120lbs looks much, MUCH different at 25 years old than it does at 35. Actually, at 25, I was around 105lbs since I was in the restaurant business, walking probably 5 miles a night. I was much too thin.

But lets talk about now.
I'm 120lbs and 5'7". I'm not unhappy with my weight but I am devastated by my endurance and my muscle tone. My bones look like nothing more than hangers for my skin due to my lack of muscle. I have the negative muscle underneath my bicep and the cottage cheese on my legs is leaking around to the front of my thighs, instead of staying where it should be in the back. I'm just not in good shape.

Today I had an epiphany that I have to do something and it had nothing to do with my image in the mirror.
I have a very large area rug in my living room that I cleaned with a steam cleaning type of machine today. It required me to get on my hands and knees and put some muscle into it. By the time I was half way through my arms were fatigued and I was wanting to take a break. It wasn't more than 25 minutes that passed at that point. I pushed through, embarrassed for myself. It lit a fire under me.

I need to get healthy. At the age of 35 I also have high cholesterol. That's unacceptable. The best shape I have ever been in was about 4 years ago. I was going to yoga 2-3 times a week, doing some light weight lifting a couple  times a week, and fitting about 2-3 hours of cardio in a week. I have always been really consistent about doing cardio but it's not enough. I need to build more muscle and challenge myself. I know I would feel so much better. I have to start pushing myself and finding time to make my health important.

So, it's on. I'm joining a gym and making a schedule.
Tomorrow.
The rug cleaning counts for today, no?