Three years.

Dustin and I got hitched at the court house three years ago today. A strategic move to save us some money since getting "legally" married in Costa Rica would have cost us a fortune AND it wouldn't have been filed here in the states for months after.

So, these were our court house wedding pictures:

I'm not quite sure why we were flipping the camera the bird in that last picture but it's very much like us to do that so, whatever.
And then, for our "reception", we went to the Dave Mathew's concert:

Great memories.
It's hard to believe that there was life before Lily, but there was and we had some amazing memories. Three years has gone by SO fast, it's unbelievable.
Happy day, my love.

More than I could chew.

Or, more than WE could chew, I should say.

Stan, our short lived puppy of 3 months, has gone to a better place: My sister-in-law's house. For good.

I knew the first week we had him that he was just too much. He was just so...different. Yes, a puppy is a puppy but Stan was...special. He did not have the normal, expected puppy energy, wanting to go for walks or play frisbee. No, Stan had his own agenda... to make my life a living hell.

Go ahead, those of you reading, and start the judgment now. Go on. Say things like, "there are no bad dogs, just bad owners", and, "PEOPLE need to be the ones trained, not the dogs".  I get it. Dogs are a huge responsibilities and puppies need the work of a newborn human. I've experienced this before, of course, so I truly thought I understood what we were up against. We made a commitment when we got him, yes, I agree. We made the commitment to always do what's best for the dog and what was best was for him not to live here, or I would have eventually killed him.

Stan had massive anxiety resulting from pack confusion. I knew this from the first week we had him. He whined and barked all.of.the.time. when Dustin left the house. Walking, playing, distracting techniques were all failures when trying to stop the behavior. It was constant anxiety. Whining that would turn into barking that was like nails on a chalk board for HOURS. He did not understand who his leader was. He assumed it to be Dustin but because our household has no set structure with work schedules he was constantly trying to figure out his role. I truly began to develop a hatred for this dog, as awful as that sounds. Lily fed off of that and never bonded with that dog at all. She yelled at him as much as I did: "GO AWAY, STAN!!!", "QUIET, STAN", "STAN, NO PEEING IN DA HOUSE. BAD DOGGIE!", ::said with appropriate finger pointing:::.

His behavior went from bad to awful and nothing we were doing was remotely effective. We finally  hired a trainer (too late, in my opinion) who gave us Dog Whisperer type of training techniques, which is when I REALLY lost my marbles. Why? Because the truth is that I am MAXED out. Being a full time working mom, having to travel for work, being in the terrible two's with Lily, tending to two pieces of property, being a landlord...MAXED out. The trainer was great in her own right but, good lord, the training was going to be a TON of work, that would take a TON of time. I knew as she was explaining the undertaking that I couldn't handle it. I say "I" because all of the work fell on my shoulders since I was the one that Stan misbehaved around the most. The dog was stressing me out. I dreaded being home alone with him. I was even getting anxiety and looked forward to traveling for work so I could relax at night. Sad, right?

The day after the trainer came for the initial evaluation, which was Father's Day, I spent the evening in tears. Tears because the dog would not let me sleep at 10pm, barking at the foot of my bed. Tears because I had known for months that we screwed up by making an emotional decision to get this puppy. Tears because I knew that Dustin was attached to this dog (which is why he wasn't gone a couple months ago) and that getting rid of him was going to sting. Tears because, most of all, I just miss Bear. I miss him today like I missed him the day after he died.

I admit it, I was trying to fill in that hole in the house. I wasn't trying to replace Bear. I'm much too intelligent to think that another dog would be at all similar to Bear's personality, but I was trying to just fill a bit of that emptiness. That was not fair to Stan.

Lesson learned.

So, he's living in Tampa with my sister-in-law. She's single, childless, and has a lot of friends with dogs for doggie dates. She has been wanting a dog for awhile and I knew Stan would be a good fit because he needs a home where one person can be his focus. Plus, I noticed her phone screen saver was a picture of Stan weeks before this was even in discussion. It was fate. :)

I am now trying to rid of the guilt over giving him away. I don't like to give up on things, especially living things, obviously. I do feel terrible, but I know it's what's best.

Tonight is the first night alone without him and I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the silence.

Notes to self (and others, for that matter):
- Do not make an emotional decision when it comes to getting a puppy.
- Do not get a puppy when you have a child who is younger than the age of 5.
- Stick with a smarter breed.
- Admit when you've bitten off more than you can chew. It's necessary sometimes.

The weekends have been full...

...which is very unlike us.
Usually, if we make any plans it's dinner over here with friends or a quick dinner at Outback, but the last three or four weekends have been so busy! And fun.
Lily's birthday party, May 14th, was so much fun...

Obviously, it was an Elmo bash with plenty of sugar to get the little ones high. Lily was an angel and had a blast.

Last weekend we celebrated Dustin's birthday by doing this....

{beach with some friends and family}

Then we went to a Japanese steakhouse for dinner, which was Lily's (and our friends' little boy, Ty's) first experience. They both cringed a bit at the "entertainment", especially when the chef ignited the fire on the cook top. Lily said, "Mama, that's too hot!!!". But we had a great dinner with great company.

Sunday, Dustin and I headed to St. Pete for a night away at the Vinoy Resort. I'd like to go ahead and brag about the day:

- Checked in at 1:45pm.

-Napping by 2pm, woke at 4pm.

- Early dinner at 5:30pm with my sister-in-law and Dustin's best friend Nick.

Then.

Then...

Face to Face concert at State Theatre. My favorite band.

I have not been to a F2F concert, other than my Warped Tour experience last year which does not count, since 2001. 10 years was too long.

It was amazing.

Then there was this weekend, which was pretty huge. Dustin is featured in a local art gallery, Studio V, and they had their grand opening last night. He was invited to be a part of this gallery by a very talented artist and owner of the gallery, Victoria Miller.

 {Dustin had a total of 5 pieces on display!}

 {I apparently missed the memo that art gallery openings are fancy and dresses are recommended. Opps}

The turnout for the opening was fantastic! Family and friends came to show their support. It was so great to see Dustin in his element, mingling amongst other artists.
I am a proud wife.

Sunday was finally a quiet day which Lily and I used for Target and the pool with Auntie Jackie.

So, that's been The Nichols life. Enough attention whoring. I hope everyone has a great week!

A Living Angel.

Awhile back, I wrote this post about my friend Shel.

Today, with a bit of a heavy heart, I write yet another post in her honor. I want to share her story because of the inspiring, amazing attitude that she has and how she is letting faith guide her. She is letting God take control. She is letting Him make the decisions in her life, which is beyond admirable.

I can't even find any other words to fill in this post. My heart aches for her and her little family who are stationed in Korea, away from family and friends. This is all just beyond words. I can't stop thinking about her and praying.

Please say a prayer, send vibes, think a good thought, or do whatever it is your faith tells you to do, for this sweet family. Someday I will hopefully understand why such awful things happen to such amazing people.

Read their story here. (My friend, Jessica, posted their story on her blog because Blogger was not being nice to Shel.)

Happy Mother's Day!

I can't say it enough....

 

{Christmas '06}

I would be lost without her...

{August '08}

{March '09}

Thank you, mom, for all that you do and all that you are. Lily and I are so lucky to have such an amazing role model. 

{September '10}

In the words of Lily, "Tank you, Nana!! I lub ouuu!!!".

How did I get here?

I rarely post about my career. I hear the horror stories about people who make a blog post or Facebook status posts about their jobs and get canned the next day because it was deemed inappropriate.

Well, I'm taking a chance here because it is such a huge part of my life and I have been feeling a bit...overwhelmed, with a bit of elation mixed in, with my job responsibilities lately.

I believe I've mentioned before that I am a regional sales manager for a medical device company. (My true title is "Vice President of Sales Operations", but that's a tad bit inflated since there isn't really a President of my company. My boss that deemed me VP likes to use big words.). Let me make it clear that I truly love my job and this post is not to complain. It's to muddle through my honest confusion as to how I got here.

Much like my car history, as well as my house history, I was a job gypsy. I had two long standing jobs before my current job: Target from '92-'96 (my high school and early college job) and Luna Pizza (my post college "what the fuck was I thinking getting a Bachelor's degree in Social Work" job) from '99-'03 and then again from mid '04-'06. In between these jobs, and even during my Luna's years, I did a million other things from owning a pet sitting company, to substitute teaching, to beer and liquor promotions, to even waiting on tables at Hooters...I was a jack of many trades. I would love to say that I was experimenting to truly see what I wanted to do as a career, but that would be bullshit. The fact of the matter is that I always got bored. I always needed a new challenge, and if it wasn't challenging enough, I moved on.

In late '05, I found sales in the most peculiar way. Medical sales, to be specific, and how I found it was by hurting my knee, getting fit for a knee brace by my now boss, and being being offered a job out of the blue. In the right place at the right time, I suppose. Usually this makes outsiders get all wide eyed with envy when they find out what I do and say something along the lines of, "OMG!! HOW did you get in that business?? Did you know someone?? That's GREAT money!! Are you hiring?".

Yes, it's a great job and it can be great money but let me bust up the myth: It's stressful and it's HARD work to make good money. You have to pay your dues. I'll be honest, my first couple of paychecks were not more than a few hundred dollars each, and we only got paid once a month. It was a struggle. It's definitely not a cake job like the stigma suggests.

Now that I made my little public service annoucement, I'll attempt to get to my point.

Last week, I had to go to Miami to work on closing a huge account within a big hospital system in that area. I have never worked with a big hospital system. Or CEOs of any kind. Or directors of every hospital department. It was a bit intimidating, to say the least.

My first day down there I had a meeting with my manager, my representative from that area and about 11 hospital executives. My heart was pounding when I walked into that little conference room. I could feel a tiny panic attack brewing. I felt out of my league. I felt unqualified. I felt inadequate. The only thought running through my head was, "how did I get here??".

But then, somewhere in that 60 minutes, I felt....confidence. I felt empowered. I felt...proud of myself. Actually, I felt proud of every woman at that table. There were only 3 men at that table of execs and 8 women. That felt amazing. We run our households, have babies, take care of our husbands...and we run companies. We're all executives, of sorts, at this table. I am in upper management of a medical device company. Holy shit. Albeit only a year and 2 months into management, I earned this. I must be doing something right.

And then I thought back to 8 years ago when I was waiting on tables and struggling to make ends meet. If someone would have asked me where I saw myself in 8 years, I could have never imagined this would be the answer. This was never my life long dream or even something I truly was aspiring for. I never longed for that "career woman" life. I was always pretty ok with mediocrity in my job, as long as I made decent money and was somewhat happy.

Yes, this job originally fell into my lap, but you know what? I worked my ass off for where I am. That's how I got here. I may still be learning management and evolving within my career, but I'm here and I deserve it.

If it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, that's ok with me.

Now ask me if I said one single word in that meeting of 11 execs. The answer is no, I let my boss do it. Hey, I just learned how to be proud of myself. I'm still working on this confidence building thing.

I'm 34 and I still need my mommy (and daddy).

It's been no secret through my writing that I am a mama's and daddy's girl. I've chatted about it on several posts about me being an only child, therefore being enmeshed very close with my parents.I've never been overly independent from them, honestly. I always want to be near them, because, well, they're my best friends and aside from Dustin, they know me best. ::: hearing the psychologists screaming at their computer screens as they read this: 'UNHEALTHY!!", "BOUNDARIES, WOMAN, BOUNDARIES"::::

Well, that's just the way we are. We're a small family and we stay close. They take care of me and I like to think in some ways we take care of them, too.

This week has been absolute hell for me and I have never needed my parents more. No, not even when Lily was first born.

It started last Wednesday. While I was working, I noticed that my right eye was annoying me, to the point of feeling like a headache IN my eye. It hurt to look around, and even blink. It definitely hurt to the touch. I didn't think much of it, not even when it turned into what I thought to be a sinus headache...and then a fever. I just assumed I was getting a sinus infection, again, like I do every few months.
By 4pm my fever was 102 and my head was in pretty severe pain. I never have experienced a migraine but I assumed this to be something similar. The pain was all around my eyes, creating a mohawk in the center of my skull and reached the base of my neck, radiating into my shoulder blades.
I began to get a little nervous about all of this pain so I asked my dad to stick around, who had been helping my mom watch Lily the majority of the afternoon, until Dustin got home from work. By 11pm, when Dustin got home, I demanded to be taken to the emergency room because the pain was so intense.

Of course, my dad stayed, without question.

Six hours, one CT scan, one spinal tap and two blood tests later, I had no answers about my condition and was sent home with antibiotics.

To make a very long, boring story short, I had to go back to the ER on Saturday because the pain worsened and went to my GP on Monday. Still, no real answers aside from "it's a virus and it has to run it's course".

So, here I lay, STILL, almost seven days later. The pain is about 30% better but I still can't seem to stay on my feet too long before I feel like I might pass out. I have been almost completely out of commission aside from my work laptop being by my side to get some email work done. The best I've felt in the past 7 days was after the second ER trip. They pumped me full of fluids and an anti inflammatory drug and I felt like a new person that evening. Unfortunately, that same drug in a pill form did nothing except for make me extremely nauseated and the pain was actually worse on Sunday. I'm beyond frustrated and have new compassion for anyone who experiences chronic migraines or who has ever had a debilitating virus or illness. I don't have time for this shit. I need to get better and get back to my life.

However, my revelation has been about my amazing support system. Dustin has been amazing, of course, and has stepped up to doing everything necessary in the house and taking care of Lily.
Then, there are my parents. They cook, they clean, and they are here at the drop of a hat. Who has support like that outside of their spouses?? I am so thankful. I truly don't know what we would have done without them this past week. Dustin would have had to miss so much work and we certainly would not be so well fed. My mother even had to endure taking me to my doctor's appointment on Monday while I was all doped up on Xanax, babbling about how scary this is and how I basically wanted to die right then and there. God, love her. I know I was probably worrying them, too.

Yes, this too shall pass, I know, but in the trenches, it sucks ass. It truly does, and viruses are scary. Whoever said that "you don't have anything if you don't have your health" was so right...except, it's times like these that I truly appreciate my family from a different perspective. My family is the true definition of just that: family. They rally when times get tough and nothing compares to that.

Thanks, mom and dad. Thanks for always taking care of your "baby".