Two Plus One.

Reverse Bucket List

2012-02-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

Bucket lists seem to be en vogue. There is even a show on Discovery or National Geographic, or one of those channels that I don't watch, on the topic. It seems that ever since that terribly depressing movie, "The Bucket List", with Jack Nicholson portraying a dying older-than-middle-aged man, people have been making and talking about what their Bucket Lists consists of.

Me? I don't have one. There are plenty of things I would love to do and places I would love to see but I don't feel inclined to write them down. I really don't want to be 82, pull out this list, and realize that I didn't accomplish much. It just seems like setting myself up for failure in some ways. Pessimistic?

Anyway, what I do have is a Reverse Bucket List. I post frequently in a forum, where my FIFs are, and someone posted about the reverse bucket list. It's made up of the things that you've already accomplished in life. Things that you're proud of. Things that others may not know about you. Things that may even make others a little envious. Things that may seem menial to others but are big accomplishments to you. I suppose it's a brag list but it was so fun to think about.

Here is my list, in no particular order, all since the age of 18....

Completed over 1000 hours of volunteer hours in college.
Graduated from Florida State University with honors.
Was thrown in the Wescott Fountain on FSU's campus on my 21st birthday.
Worked in the Social Work field.
Have bought 3 properties so far, still owning two of them.
Had a destination wedding.
ATV'd in the mountains in Costa Rica, seeing amazing mountain towns, mountain tops, and beautiful waterfalls.
Saw lava flow from an active volcano in Costa Rica.
Baked a human being.
Survived child birth with a failed epidural and semi-serious pre-eclampsia.
Hiked with my toddler in the Costa Rican rain forest.
Zip-lined in Costa Rica.
Have traveled to San Diego (numerous times), Mexico, Dallas, San Antonio, New Jersey, Miami, Orlando, the Bahamas, and flying to San Francisco as I type, all thanks to my career.
Been to San Diego Zoo twice.
Raised a dog from a puppy.
Fostered several dogs from a rescue.
Survived an infant with colic/silent reflux.
Experienced all that is good, bad, evil, awful, joyful, amazing in raising a toddler.

I know there is more and I'm skipping some, generalizing others, but those are the things that came to mind. I just loved, loved, loved thinking about all that I'm proud of. In life, we tend to be negative and focus on what we want to do, and where we want to go, wishing our lives away (or at least I tend to). Compiling this list made me feel proud and fortunate. It's amazing to say I have done so many fun and brave things in life.

I would love to read others Reverse Bucket Lists, so if you have a blog and you'd like to share, please do.

Fashion (non)Sense

2012-01-22T15:28:00.001-05:00

I have no fashion sense. I was clearly born without the gene. To be honest, I don't even like to shop. I'm the one that likes to go for what I need and if I can't find it, I give up quickly. I just don't have the patience. Or, I'll go, with intentions to buy work clothes and end up with a ridiculous amount of clothes for Lily, simply because it's easy and fun to buy her clothes.

Even more shocking to most females, I HATE buying shoes. Hate. I will see a cute pair of shoes, pick them up and think to myself, "what would I wear these with?", which is when my brain goes on overload and shuts off, quickly dismissing the sale of the shoe. I get overwhelmed with not having the right outfit to match the shoes and the mere thought of finding something to match, OMG! Too.much.thinking. So, my closet is filled with black and brown shoes- flip flops and 2 pair of work shoes.

On top of the lack of fashion sense, I am also cheap when it comes to clothing myself. I don't think I have ever spent more than $40-$50 on an article of clothing, or shoes, I insist of making $100 go far. I will absolutely adore a pair of shorts but if they're marked $42, it's a no go. I'm too practical.
I also will not buy anything that has to be dry cleaned. Or ironed. (I just went from practical to lazy in two sentences.) I once bought a pant suit from Banana Republic on super-duper clearance and it ended up in the Goodwill bag a couple years later, after wearing it about 5 times, because it was dry clean only. I washed and dried it. The pants, of course, ended up to be clam diggers, which, apparently, is out of style now?

With the help of Pinterest, I have recently been inspired to become more fashionable. Or try to, at least. I see all of these great, trendy outfits, complete with accessories and shoes, and I want them. I want to be able to put an outfit together, other than a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops, or black pants with a gray shirt for work, complete with my 5 year old black pumps.

Not being able to afford the trendy "pinned" outfits in their entirity, i decide to try my hand at being fashionable. So, I went on a mission today. I went with intent. I was going to find some cute, trendy clothes. Clothes that screamed that I know how to out an outfit together AND
that didn't look cheap.

After an hour and a half in the mall and an hour in Kohl's, I left with.... A pair of black pants, a pair of gray pants, a black shirt, a pair of black flats, and a pair of neutral flats.

Fail. Sigh. I give up.

Anyone want to dress me?

3 Christmases.

2011-12-28T21:53:00.001-05:00

At 7 months, 2009...

At a year and a half, 2010...

At two and a half, 2011...

We had another beautiful Christmas filled with food, family, friends, and more presents than necessary. Lily really started to grasp the concept this year. She understood who Santa is and that he was going to leave presents. She LOVED the whole idea of opening presents, of course, but she also loved the fact that we all got to open presents. She would deliver a present to one of us and say something like, "And one for you, mom!! OPEN IT!!!".

It was so much fun and I can honestly say that Christmas is magical now. She is the only child that we've ever had in our family, so I've never experienced the holidays through the eyes of a little one. It's amazing.
I don't use this word often but I feel very blessed to have Lily and just to have this life in general. Lily continues to teach me so much and make my life...well...magical.

Christmas is in less than 6 days? Oh really?

2011-12-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

You would think with all of this spare time I have that I would make some blog posts. Pfffftttttttt.

I don't have much spare time. And when I do, I'm sleeping. I miss spare time.

I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I love being busy, but I do wish I just had a couple extra hours in the day. Since my kid goes to bed at 9-9:30 every night, as opposed to the old 7-7:30, I usually go right to bed, too. Man, life is so different with a child. I still can't get over that sometimes.

Thanksgiving came and went like a blur. We had a great dinner at my in-law's house. No commotion, no tantrums, no drama, just dinner. It was lovely.

We then attempted our own photo shoot, after a Black Friday JCPenney Studio photo fail. Ok, maybe it wasn't a complete fail since we rendered this beauty out of the deal:

She has quite the personality. She did this unprompted just to be cute.
Aaaaand since that's the only picture worth anything out of that deal, we decided to take Lily to this field near our house:

And take these pictures that my friend Jessie edited:

Then, the next weekend was our Ugly Christmas Sweater party. 1st annual. It was fun and I think might become a tradition!

Finally, this past weekend, we were a part of our friends', Danny and Kendra's, wedding. Danny was a high school friend of Dustin's, a surfing buddy, and Kendra and I became really close over these past couple of years. They came to our Costa Rica wedding and we just fell in love with them as a couple. We knew this day would come for them. It was a great beach wedding, on a perfect day, with a fun reception to follow. Could not have asked for a better day...

Which brings us to this week- Christmas week- with all of the hustle and bustle that comes along with it. Work is super crazy busy, still have a present or two to buy, all the gifts have to be wrapped, and Christmas Eve dinner menu has to be figured out. I love the overall feeling of these last few days before Christmas every year. There is a certain energy that is just...fun.

I promise that one of these posts will have more substance than just boring updates that can be seen on Facebook. I really would love to get back to actually writing posts with some thought behind them. Perhaps a New Year's resolution....among others.

Opposite Life

2011-11-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

A conversation between my husband and I last week:

Me: So, this might sound weird but do you ever imagine what your life would be like if it were the exact opposite of what it is now?
Him: :::Weird side eye look in my direction:::
Me: Like, for you, it would be having a suit and tie job on Wall Street, living in New York City, single, no kids, going out every night...you know, opposite of what it is now.
Him: Well, the Wall Street thing would suck but the rest sounds AWESOME!

I wasn't quite expecting that kind of honesty from him, but I had to laugh because, well, it does kind of sound awesome.

That conversation was inspired by an episode of Sex and the City that I had watched the night before. In that particular episode, Carrie was dating a guy named Aiden and she found an engagement ring in his bag, obviously meant for her. Her reaction was visceral, vomiting at the mere thought of her life going down that opposite path of what she was used to. It almost made me feel as though I was missing something important by not truly ever living the single, big city lifestyle. Is getting married and living a suburbia lifestyle really vomit inducing to big city girls??

Whenever I watch a movie or television show with Carrie Bradshaw-type characters, I imagine I am that person and try to imagine what my life would be like as a city girl. It would be the complete opposite of the life I'm living. My little "escape my life" fantasy is this: I imagine myself as a writer for a column in a magazine, living and working in downtown Chicago or New York, calling home a small, but very well decorated, apartment with windows overlooking the skyline, having a small group of girlfriends, all single as well, going out for martinis often, shopping at only the high end stores, and giving looks of pity to women pushing baby strollers.

Glamours, isn't it??
Sure, but how does this story end, I always wonder? Do I become an old dog lady? The eccentric one who travels to exotic locations with friends, or alone, who practices yoga every day, who dies all alone because she was too selfish to get married and have kids? My mind takes me to some weird thoughts, doesn't it?

I believe it's human nature to have curiosities about things we don't have. Not necessarily things we want, but just things we don't have. As a comparison, how many times have you wished you were wealthy? If you're like me, probably many. We assume life would be easier, more fulfilling, because we have money, which probably is far from the truth but it's nice to fantasize about.

Is there a true moral to this post? No. This is just me sharing my randomness.
And no, I don't want a different life, nor would I trade my life for Carrie Bradshaw's. She ends up getting married, ruining the whole fantasy anyway.

Three Halloweens.

2011-11-03T15:07:00.001-04:00

At five months old...

At 17 months old...

And at 29 months old...

My, how time flies.
We had so much fun trick-or-treating. Lily really understood it and got into it, running from house to house saying, "Can we do another one, mom???". She pooped out after about 15 houses, which is when I chauffeured her around in this:

{Pictured with Ty the chicken}

I'm not sure who had more fun, Lily or me, but I can tell you it was the best Halloween yet!

Uninspired.

2011-10-31T14:15:00.000-04:00

I have either been really uninspired by my life lately or I am exceptionally boring. Maybe both, I'm not sure. It's unlike me not to write for 5 weeks. I can say that it hasn't been for a lack of excitement or eventfulness because that wouldn't be true. There has been plenty keeping me busy and on my toes. Some of which is work related, which I unfortunately cannot discuss, but the rest is simply just having a 2.5 year old keeping me busy.

Today I was inspired because it's Halloween! I love fall and I love Halloween. It's especially fun now that Lily understands the concept of trick-or-treating and can go out tonight and get me some candy!

And from our pumpkin carving party....

And from school this morning...

Next up, trick-or-treating!

35 years.

2011-09-23T23:00:00.002-04:00

Today, I am 35. No, I'm not looking for "happy birthday"s.
This has been a hard number for me, in some ways. Yes, I had a beautiful day because I have beautiful people that surround me, but, the only phrase that has been running through my mind all day long has been:
Life.is.crazy.
It just goes by so fast.

I'm 35. 35. 35!!! Think back to high school. Think about when you were 15 and you met someone who was 35. Shit, your MOM could have been 35 when you were 15!! 35 sounded old. Realistically, I know I'm not old, 70 is old, but man, life has really flown by.

All day today I have been trying to think of my birthdays past. What did I do for my 5th birthday? My 15th? My 25th? Honestly, I really could not remember many. I hope this is normal.

I remember a few. Of course, I remember the previous few years, Probably 29 through today, but aside from my 21st, I had a really difficult time remembering. So, tonight, I decided to hunt for old birthday pictures, after putting Lily down for the night.

This was easier said than done.

Thank God for the digital age because I really sucked at keeping pictures of milestones when pictures were only on paper. I have plenty of pictures of Bear, other people's birthdays, proms, college parties, etc., but my birthdays? Not many. Which is funny because I love pictures. I can sit and look at them for hours. Pictures are what make me remember. I can't believe I didn't keep many from my own birthdays!

The only one I came across from my early teenage years was....

14.

Yes, 1990 brought 1990's bangs. After stumbling across this picture, I remember this night. I had about ten friends for a sleepover. We all didn't have matching shirts but Jaime was my best friend, still is, thankfully, and we NEEDED to match. Do you see the collection of Baby Sitter's Club books on my shelf? Classic.

And then the next...

18.

Jaime and I clearly got over our matching phase but Jesus, why did I straighten my hair...chemically?? Someone should have stopped me. You can't see it in this picture but it turned green and it wasn't even straight, really. Awful.

Again, this picture jogged my memory a bit. A different ten friends, aside from Jaime, Tatum, and Gina, gathered at our local (and new!) Chili's. I'm sure the remainder of the night had something to do with a dance club. I can't be sure though.

I also had pictures from my 19th and 20th, which also included Jaime. I love how pictures tell a story and sometimes reveal who is important in life.

Anyway.

Then...

21.

(This was taken at AJ's Sports Bar in Tallahassee with my friend Jody. I met her about 9 months before this picture was taken. We bonded instantly. We're still very close. I am so lucky to have long standing friendships. Priceless.)

Sigh. 21. I lived in Tallahassee, attended FSU, worked at Hooters, and lived a fantastically fun life. Not that I don't now, but lets face it, I was 21. Life was easy.

I was thrown into the Wescott fountain, like all 21 year olds who attend FSU. I don't even know who these guys are but 1.) they were fun and 2.) They saw my panties. Good times.

My parents took Jody and I to Vegas for my 21st. Oh.My.God. Vegas. We had such a blast. We met Jamie Foxx (circa In Living Color) and Charles Barkley, at the same club. I also think what's-his-face from that band Sugar Ray was there, too. He's a gossip T.V. host now. Gah, what's his name??
Anyway, I DO remember my 21st like it was yesterday.
Next...

24.

Pictured with my grandma. I was in a completely different life by the time I was 24. It's so funny how quickly I wanted to grow up back then. These stumbled upon pictures during these mid-twenties years scream "FIND YOURSELF AND DO IT QUICKLY BECAUSE YOU'RE KIND OF FUCKING UP!". I now know that's what you're supposed to do in your 20's: fuck up. How else would I have learned?

There were others from my 25th, my 29th and then....

30.

Pictured with Jody. This seems like just a couple of months ago. I cannot believe five years has gone by. 30 was not difficult for me. I was still basking in the "my boyfriend is eight years younger than me and people think we're the same age" phase.

And today...

35.

A little more tired looking, perhaps some darker circles under my eyes, a few more wrinkles...but then there's Lily. This innocent little being who is just beginning her journey. She only has had two birthdays (well documented and photographed, I might add). I only have celebrated three birthdays as a mama. She began such a huge new chapter in my life. She makes me proud to be 35 simply because I am her mama.

And, cheers to my mama, on this day. 35 years ago, she gave me life and began her journey as a mama. I cannot imagine how I will feel when my baby turns 35!

It's been an amazing 35 years. Here's to at least 35 more.

Foggy.

2011-08-20T14:06:00.000-04:00

There is something about vacation that completely warps my mind upon returning. I stay in the dream-like cloud for DAYS, as though I am in denial about living in reality. I begin to obsess about how much I do, in fact, despise my job (even though I really don't on most days) and that everything about where we live is stale and boring.

I suppose this is a sign of a good vacation.

And it truly was a great vacation.

We went to Playa Grande, Costa Rica, a new location for us, and then back to Volcano Arenal, where we got engaged in 2007. We brought our friends Kim and Robbie this time, a part of our huge group that went last year. I believe they love Costa Rica just as much as Dustin and I do, so it was an awesome traveling foursome.
We didn't have much of an agenda. We went to the beach, the pool, the hot springs, ate a lot, hiked, and just overall relaxed. It was an amazing, baby-free, beautiful vacation. (That's right. I said baby-free. Judge away. It was amazing and marriage needs attention, yo.)

I've already looked up ticket prices to go back in a couple of months. Sure, that's a pipe dream because we really can't afford to go away again, but it's fun to pretend. We will, however, be planning next year's trip very soon because we are that obsessed.

Gracias por otro buen viaje, Costa Rica. Nos vemos el ano que viene!
Pura Vida.

Reminders.

2011-08-04T20:33:00.001-04:00

I have been rifling through our wedding photos within the last couple of days, feeling very nostalgic.

There is just so much raw emotion behind these pictures. Everything about our wedding trip was just amazing.

Dustin and I chose a destination wedding for some unconventional reasons. Some choose it to have a vacation for friends and family, or maybe to avoid inviting 300 (eventually drunk) guests to the same local venue that four of your other friends got married, but for us, it was much more.

We felt a connection with Costa Rica. We found so much of ourselves in that country. We got engaged there. We had a spiritual connection with it. It certainly wasn't just about getting married on a beach. We could have done that here since we live in paradise. No. We wanted our friends and families to experience the connection that Dustin and I found there.

I'm not quite sure if we succeeded in doing exactly that for all 18 in attendance, but I know for some of our guests, something magical was found since one couple got engaged there two years later (love you, Danny and Kendra!) and another married in the exact same spot three years later (which, sadly, we were not invited to. Don't ask).

Kudos to us for passing on the magic.

But, in August of 2008, these were our memories that we were creating.

Oh, yes. It was fun. The memories will certainly last a lifetime.

Thank you, friends and family, for making this trip so priceless.

Looking at these these past few days has been such a good reminder of who Dustin and I are as a couple. Where we've come from, what we've been through, and what we've created since our union. Our life is truly blessed and rich.

Happy 3 years, babe.

Randomness.

2011-07-22T19:52:00.001-04:00

I haven't done this in awhile....
- I'm so tired tonight that I'm already laying in bed. It's 7:37pm. Lame.
- Life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions lately. Nothing and everything has been status quo.
- We leave for Costa Rica in 2 weeks, 3 days and 14 hours. But who's counting?
- I need shorts and tank tops.
- I am more and more thankful everyday for my friends. They are truly gems. Today, I got to briefly catch up with one of my good friends, on a phone chat, who always just "gets" me, (:::ahem, Jody:::). Then last night, a good friend of mine and I went on a long walk on Siesta Key beach, one of the most amazing beaches in the world, and then to dinner. 3 hours with her was better than some previously paid for therapy. I feel so lucky to not only have these two women in my life but also a few more, who all are just irreplaceable.
- I still miss Bear every single day, especially at night when I put Lily to bed. That was my time with him and it still doesn't feel right without him here.
- My life is going to change drastically within the next couple of months when it comes to my career. I'm terrified, exhilarated, cautious, and curious, all at the same time.
-Lily has been excruciatingly difficult, yet amazingly fun, lately. More on my other blog soon about this.
- Why do I never print out recent pictures? They aren't any good on my hard drive.
- Speaking of, I've hardly taken any pictures at all this summer. I don't know why.
- I'm writing this on Dustin's laptop and it's about to go dead.
- I'm too lazy to go get the cord to plug it in.
- Goodnight.

Three years.

2011-07-09T19:09:00.000-04:00

Dustin and I got hitched at the court house three years ago today. A strategic move to save us some money since getting "legally" married in Costa Rica would have cost us a fortune AND it wouldn't have been filed here in the states for months after.

So, these were our court house wedding pictures:

I'm not quite sure why we were flipping the camera the bird in that last picture but it's very much like us to do that so, whatever.
And then, for our "reception", we went to the Dave Mathew's concert:

Great memories.
It's hard to believe that there was life before Lily, but there was and we had some amazing memories. Three years has gone by SO fast, it's unbelievable.
Happy day, my love.

More than I could chew.

2011-06-26T21:04:00.000-04:00

Or, more than WE could chew, I should say.

Stan, our short lived puppy of 3 months, has gone to a better place: My sister-in-law's house. For good.

I knew the first week we had him that he was just too much. He was just so...different. Yes, a puppy is a puppy but Stan was...special. He did not have the normal, expected puppy energy, wanting to go for walks or play frisbee. No, Stan had his own agenda... to make my life a living hell.

Go ahead, those of you reading, and start the judgment now. Go on. Say things like, "there are no bad dogs, just bad owners", and, "PEOPLE need to be the ones trained, not the dogs". I get it. Dogs are a huge responsibilities and puppies need the work of a newborn human. I've experienced this before, of course, so I truly thought I understood what we were up against. We made a commitment when we got him, yes, I agree. We made the commitment to always do what's best for the dog and what was best was for him not to live here, or I would have eventually killed him.

Stan had massive anxiety resulting from pack confusion. I knew this from the first week we had him. He whined and barked all.of.the.time. when Dustin left the house. Walking, playing, distracting techniques were all failures when trying to stop the behavior. It was constant anxiety. Whining that would turn into barking that was like nails on a chalk board for HOURS. He did not understand who his leader was. He assumed it to be Dustin but because our household has no set structure with work schedules he was constantly trying to figure out his role. I truly began to develop a hatred for this dog, as awful as that sounds. Lily fed off of that and never bonded with that dog at all. She yelled at him as much as I did: "GO AWAY, STAN!!!", "QUIET, STAN", "STAN, NO PEEING IN DA HOUSE. BAD DOGGIE!", ::said with appropriate finger pointing:::.

His behavior went from bad to awful and nothing we were doing was remotely effective. We finally hired a trainer (too late, in my opinion) who gave us Dog Whisperer type of training techniques, which is when I REALLY lost my marbles. Why? Because the truth is that I am MAXED out. Being a full time working mom, having to travel for work, being in the terrible two's with Lily, tending to two pieces of property, being a landlord...MAXED out. The trainer was great in her own right but, good lord, the training was going to be a TON of work, that would take a TON of time. I knew as she was explaining the undertaking that I couldn't handle it. I say "I" because all of the work fell on my shoulders since I was the one that Stan misbehaved around the most. The dog was stressing me out. I dreaded being home alone with him. I was even getting anxiety and looked forward to traveling for work so I could relax at night. Sad, right?

The day after the trainer came for the initial evaluation, which was Father's Day, I spent the evening in tears. Tears because the dog would not let me sleep at 10pm, barking at the foot of my bed. Tears because I had known for months that we screwed up by making an emotional decision to get this puppy. Tears because I knew that Dustin was attached to this dog (which is why he wasn't gone a couple months ago) and that getting rid of him was going to sting. Tears because, most of all, I just miss Bear. I miss him today like I missed him the day after he died.

I admit it, I was trying to fill in that hole in the house. I wasn't trying to replace Bear. I'm much too intelligent to think that another dog would be at all similar to Bear's personality, but I was trying to just fill a bit of that emptiness. That was not fair to Stan.

Lesson learned.

So, he's living in Tampa with my sister-in-law. She's single, childless, and has a lot of friends with dogs for doggie dates. She has been wanting a dog for awhile and I knew Stan would be a good fit because he needs a home where one person can be his focus. Plus, I noticed her phone screen saver was a picture of Stan weeks before this was even in discussion. It was fate. :)

I am now trying to rid of the guilt over giving him away. I don't like to give up on things, especially living things, obviously. I do feel terrible, but I know it's what's best.

Tonight is the first night alone without him and I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the silence.

Notes to self (and others, for that matter):
- Do not make an emotional decision when it comes to getting a puppy.
- Do not get a puppy when you have a child who is younger than the age of 5.
- Stick with a smarter breed.
- Admit when you've bitten off more than you can chew. It's necessary sometimes.

The weekends have been full...

2011-06-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

...which is very unlike us.
Usually, if we make any plans it's dinner over here with friends or a quick dinner at Outback, but the last three or four weekends have been so busy! And fun.
Lily's birthday party, May 14th, was so much fun...

Obviously, it was an Elmo bash with plenty of sugar to get the little ones high. Lily was an angel and had a blast.

Last weekend we celebrated Dustin's birthday by doing this....

{beach with some friends and family}

Then we went to a Japanese steakhouse for dinner, which was Lily's (and our friends' little boy, Ty's) first experience. They both cringed a bit at the "entertainment", especially when the chef ignited the fire on the cook top. Lily said, "Mama, that's too hot!!!". But we had a great dinner with great company.

Sunday, Dustin and I headed to St. Pete for a night away at the Vinoy Resort. I'd like to go ahead and brag about the day:

- Checked in at 1:45pm.

-Napping by 2pm, woke at 4pm.

- Early dinner at 5:30pm with my sister-in-law and Dustin's best friend Nick.

Then.

Then...

Face to Face concert at State Theatre. My favorite band.

I have not been to a F2F concert, other than my Warped Tour experience last year which does not count, since 2001. 10 years was too long.

It was amazing.

Then there was this weekend, which was pretty huge. Dustin is featured in a local art gallery, Studio V, and they had their grand opening last night. He was invited to be a part of this gallery by a very talented artist and owner of the gallery, Victoria Miller.

{Dustin had a total of 5 pieces on display!}

{I apparently missed the memo that art gallery openings are fancy and dresses are recommended. Opps}

The turnout for the opening was fantastic! Family and friends came to show their support. It was so great to see Dustin in his element, mingling amongst other artists.
I am a proud wife.

Sunday was finally a quiet day which Lily and I used for Target and the pool with Auntie Jackie.

So, that's been The Nichols life. Enough attention whoring. I hope everyone has a great week!

A Living Angel.

2011-05-13T16:37:00.000-04:00

Awhile back, I wrote this post about my friend Shel.

Today, with a bit of a heavy heart, I write yet another post in her honor. I want to share her story because of the inspiring, amazing attitude that she has and how she is letting faith guide her. She is letting God take control. She is letting Him make the decisions in her life, which is beyond admirable.

I can't even find any other words to fill in this post. My heart aches for her and her little family who are stationed in Korea, away from family and friends. This is all just beyond words. I can't stop thinking about her and praying.

Please say a prayer, send vibes, think a good thought, or do whatever it is your faith tells you to do, for this sweet family. Someday I will hopefully understand why such awful things happen to such amazing people.

Read their story here. (My friend, Jessica, posted their story on her blog because Blogger was not being nice to Shel.)

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T13:28:00.000-04:00

I can't say it enough....

{Christmas '06}

I would be lost without her...

{August '08}

{March '09}

Thank you, mom, for all that you do and all that you are. Lily and I are so lucky to have such an amazing role model.

{September '10}

In the words of Lily, "Tank you, Nana!! I lub ouuu!!!".

How did I get here?

2011-05-06T21:37:00.002-04:00

I rarely post about my career. I hear the horror stories about people who make a blog post or Facebook status posts about their jobs and get canned the next day because it was deemed inappropriate.

Well, I'm taking a chance here because it is such a huge part of my life and I have been feeling a bit...overwhelmed, with a bit of elation mixed in, with my job responsibilities lately.

I believe I've mentioned before that I am a regional sales manager for a medical device company. (My true title is "Vice President of Sales Operations", but that's a tad bit inflated since there isn't really a President of my company. My boss that deemed me VP likes to use big words.). Let me make it clear that I truly love my job and this post is not to complain. It's to muddle through my honest confusion as to how I got here.

Much like my car history, as well as my house history, I was a job gypsy. I had two long standing jobs before my current job: Target from '92-'96 (my high school and early college job) and Luna Pizza (my post college "what the fuck was I thinking getting a Bachelor's degree in Social Work" job) from '99-'03 and then again from mid '04-'06. In between these jobs, and even during my Luna's years, I did a million other things from owning a pet sitting company, to substitute teaching, to beer and liquor promotions, to even waiting on tables at Hooters...I was a jack of many trades. I would love to say that I was experimenting to truly see what I wanted to do as a career, but that would be bullshit. The fact of the matter is that I always got bored. I always needed a new challenge, and if it wasn't challenging enough, I moved on.

In late '05, I found sales in the most peculiar way. Medical sales, to be specific, and how I found it was by hurting my knee, getting fit for a knee brace by my now boss, and being being offered a job out of the blue. In the right place at the right time, I suppose. Usually this makes outsiders get all wide eyed with envy when they find out what I do and say something along the lines of, "OMG!! HOW did you get in that business?? Did you know someone?? That's GREAT money!! Are you hiring?".

Yes, it's a great job and it can be great money but let me bust up the myth: It's stressful and it's HARD work to make good money. You have to pay your dues. I'll be honest, my first couple of paychecks were not more than a few hundred dollars each, and we only got paid once a month. It was a struggle. It's definitely not a cake job like the stigma suggests.

Now that I made my little public service annoucement, I'll attempt to get to my point.

Last week, I had to go to Miami to work on closing a huge account within a big hospital system in that area. I have never worked with a big hospital system. Or CEOs of any kind. Or directors of every hospital department. It was a bit intimidating, to say the least.

My first day down there I had a meeting with my manager, my representative from that area and about 11 hospital executives. My heart was pounding when I walked into that little conference room. I could feel a tiny panic attack brewing. I felt out of my league. I felt unqualified. I felt inadequate. The only thought running through my head was, "how did I get here??".

But then, somewhere in that 60 minutes, I felt....confidence. I felt empowered. I felt...proud of myself. Actually, I felt proud of every woman at that table. There were only 3 men at that table of execs and 8 women. That felt amazing. We run our households, have babies, take care of our husbands...and we run companies. We're all executives, of sorts, at this table. I am in upper management of a medical device company. Holy shit. Albeit only a year and 2 months into management, I earned this. I must be doing something right.

And then I thought back to 8 years ago when I was waiting on tables and struggling to make ends meet. If someone would have asked me where I saw myself in 8 years, I could have never imagined this would be the answer. This was never my life long dream or even something I truly was aspiring for. I never longed for that "career woman" life. I was always pretty ok with mediocrity in my job, as long as I made decent money and was somewhat happy.

Yes, this job originally fell into my lap, but you know what? I worked my ass off for where I am. That's how I got here. I may still be learning management and evolving within my career, but I'm here and I deserve it.

If it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn, that's ok with me.

Now ask me if I said one single word in that meeting of 11 execs. The answer is no, I let my boss do it. Hey, I just learned how to be proud of myself. I'm still working on this confidence building thing.

I'm 34 and I still need my mommy (and daddy).

2011-04-13T16:40:00.000-04:00

It's been no secret through my writing that I am a mama's and daddy's girl. I've chatted about it on several posts about me being an only child, therefore being ~~enmeshed~~ very close with my parents.I've never been overly independent from them, honestly. I always want to be near them, because, well, they're my best friends and aside from Dustin, they know me best. ::: hearing the psychologists screaming at their computer screens as they read this: 'UNHEALTHY!!", "BOUNDARIES, WOMAN, BOUNDARIES"::::

Well, that's just the way we are. We're a small family and we stay close. They take care of me and I like to think in some ways we take care of them, too.

This week has been absolute hell for me and I have never needed my parents more. No, not even when Lily was first born.

It started last Wednesday. While I was working, I noticed that my right eye was annoying me, to the point of feeling like a headache IN my eye. It hurt to look around, and even blink. It definitely hurt to the touch. I didn't think much of it, not even when it turned into what I thought to be a sinus headache...and then a fever. I just assumed I was getting a sinus infection, again, like I do every few months.
By 4pm my fever was 102 and my head was in pretty severe pain. I never have experienced a migraine but I assumed this to be something similar. The pain was all around my eyes, creating a mohawk in the center of my skull and reached the base of my neck, radiating into my shoulder blades.
I began to get a little nervous about all of this pain so I asked my dad to stick around, who had been helping my mom watch Lily the majority of the afternoon, until Dustin got home from work. By 11pm, when Dustin got home, I demanded to be taken to the emergency room because the pain was so intense.

Of course, my dad stayed, without question.

Six hours, one CT scan, one spinal tap and two blood tests later, I had no answers about my condition and was sent home with antibiotics.

To make a very long, boring story short, I had to go back to the ER on Saturday because the pain worsened and went to my GP on Monday. Still, no real answers aside from "it's a virus and it has to run it's course".

So, here I lay, STILL, almost seven days later. The pain is about 30% better but I still can't seem to stay on my feet too long before I feel like I might pass out. I have been almost completely out of commission aside from my work laptop being by my side to get some email work done. The best I've felt in the past 7 days was after the second ER trip. They pumped me full of fluids and an anti inflammatory drug and I felt like a new person that evening. Unfortunately, that same drug in a pill form did nothing except for make me extremely nauseated and the pain was actually worse on Sunday. I'm beyond frustrated and have new compassion for anyone who experiences chronic migraines or who has ever had a debilitating virus or illness. I don't have time for this shit. I need to get better and get back to my life.

However, my revelation has been about my amazing support system. Dustin has been amazing, of course, and has stepped up to doing everything necessary in the house and taking care of Lily.
Then, there are my parents. They cook, they clean, and they are here at the drop of a hat. Who has support like that outside of their spouses?? I am so thankful. I truly don't know what we would have done without them this past week. Dustin would have had to miss so much work and we certainly would not be so well fed. My mother even had to endure taking me to my doctor's appointment on Monday while I was all doped up on Xanax, babbling about how scary this is and how I basically wanted to die right then and there. God, love her. I know I was probably worrying them, too.

Yes, this too shall pass, I know, but in the trenches, it sucks ass. It truly does, and viruses are scary. Whoever said that "you don't have anything if you don't have your health" was so right...except, it's times like these that I truly appreciate my family from a different perspective. My family is the true definition of just that: family. They rally when times get tough and nothing compares to that.

Thanks, mom and dad. Thanks for always taking care of your "baby".

Introducing Stan.

2011-03-27T21:15:00.001-04:00

"Hi. I'm Stan, a 16 week old American Bulldog".

Ok, so he really wouldn't say that if he could talk. It would be more like, "Huh? Is someone talkin to me? Doe dee doe". Not that he's dumb, he's just lazy. Seriously. Laziest puppy I have ever met, which suits me just fine. Eats and drinks laying down. No joke.

Here is the story of how Stan became our newest addition...

One Saturday morning, we received our local newspaper on our driveway. This was obviously by mistake because, well, we don't read the paper. I will forever blame our neighbor, Jack, for us buying this dog. That was supposed to be Jack's paper.

We have been wanting a dog since Bear passed away but I've been trying to restrain myself for the mere fact that toddler+puppy+working mommy and daddy= more exhaustion than necessary. But, low and behold, there was an ad in the paper (ZOMG, WITH A PICTURE!!!) for a litter of American Bulldogs.

"Hmmm", I thought, "Those are the cutest dogs and they are so good. Maybe I should look into this breed". (I based this thought of of our neighbors at our old house who had one. Patch, was her name, and she was so sweet and so cute.)

I immediately asked Dustin if we could go look at them. I truly just wanted to expose Lily to the idea of a puppy since she is not too keen on dogs in general. I had zero intentions of buying one. Zero.

"NO. If we go look I will want one, so no way". His answer was final, but I still began researching this breed, you know, just in case.

Then...

3 days later. Lily went for a walk with my aunt and my mom and saw a few "goggies". She was intrigued by them this time and started asking, "Where did goggies go???", as soon as she got home from that walk, and asked this for 3 days straight.

"Babe! This is a perfect time to go look at a dog! She's interested", I said on Tuesday, just three days after the newspaper incident.

Long story short, Dustin consented and we packed Lily up and took her to see the litter of pups. Only it wasn't a litter. Stan was the last one. He was $150. His paws were huge. He was clumsy and lazy. I mention all of this because this was the EXACT way that Bear happened upon my life. Same.exact.scenario. So, of course, THIS WAS A SIGN. Isn't that the way the universe works?? Signs?? Of course it is. In my world.

We stayed and played with Stan for about 30 minutes. Lily did so well with him which really surprised us. Dustin was ready to take him home, like, right then and there. Me, not so much. I was honestly just using this as a gage IF we should decide to get a puppy.

But...then there were all of those signs. Maybe we should get him?

So, we put a deposit down on him and said we would think about it, but as I looked at Dustin on the way home, his mind was already made up. He was so excited. I was, too, but I had this mini voice in my head saying, "You're a fucking moron. A puppy is like having a newborn child. Do not do this right now". That voice was pretty harsh...but...Dustin looked so happy and excited. He wanted a dog that was his. Bear was never his. He was already smitten.

So, the next day, Dustin went and picked him up. The "breeders" (I use that term loosely because that whole house/situation was very odd and chaotic, to say the least) were calling him "Kyzan", which we weren't a fan of, so we named him something that rhymed with it since he appeared to be responding to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been two weeks and it's been...interesting. He's a good puppy. He's very smart. He's respectful of Lily. He's learning his place quickly. But he is a puppy.

He chews on everything. He has separation anxiety from Dustin so he spends his nights with me whining, barking and pissing all over the place. He's lazy, which can be a good thing, but I really wish he liked walks. Oh, and....he's not Bear. He makes me miss Bear more, which is the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. This too shall pass and I will grow to love him and bond with him. I know this, but right now we're in the trenches.

Do I regret the decision? Not really, only because I do believe in the cliche that everything happens for a reason, but I do wish we would have waited about a year so we weren't dealing with an almost-two-year-old and a puppy, but hey, they'll grow up together and be best friends (I hope). She is already loving bossing him around, which is a plus, right?

More pictures to come, along with plenty of "adventures with Stan" stories.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I'm pretty sure that this experience has pushed us from, "we're not sure if we're going to have a second kid", to, "there is no way in hell that we're having a second kid". Judge away. I'm too tired to add more work to this mix.

If you want to know where I've really been...

2011-03-09T19:51:00.001-05:00

So, I claim to be busy, and I am, but let's face it, I have at least 2 hours of free time every night after I put Lily to bed, before I go to bed. I would love to be blogging more, but...

Verizon got the Iphone.

Angry Birds. (See Heir to Blair's post here for a further explanation. She said it best.)

Words With Friends.

I am addicted.

That is all.

Well hello, neglected blog.

2011-02-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, most of which I will blog about later, but for now....

We lost a very wonderful family member, my (great) Uncle Roy. He had been battling with cancer for almost 10 years and it was his time. My father put it best when he said that he is happy for him. He truly was suffering and it was no way to live.

Uncle Roy will always be remembered in my mind as humorous, clumsy, caring, generous man with a knack for telling stories. He loved the Cubs and his comfy chair. His house smelled of tobacco (the sweet, unlit smell), even though he gave up smoking his pipe years ago. He paled around with my dad often and he loved to show up unannounced. He had a special bond with Bear and loved to feed him table food. He was so loyal and attended every event in my life. He was a proud dad of three, always bragging about his children and grand children. He was a fantastic uncle.

So, Uncle Roy, party with the angels and be pain free...

Christmas 2004 with my Aunt Dorothy.

Christmas 2010.

I was in San Diego when I got this sad news. I got home in time to see each of his kids, my cousins, as they came down to assist my aunt with the necessary process. He wished for no memorial or service so we were left to do our own reminiscing.

The loss of my uncle was sad, yes, but I know it was his time. His body was tired and with good reason.

Why it is most sad to me is because it is once again reminding me how incredibly small my family is. Our holiday and birthday meals are getting smaller and smaller, setting fewer and fewer places at meals. That makes me so sad....but also a little scared. I begin to think about my own mortality and of course, my parent's. Still spring chickens, in their late 50's/early 60's, it's just so hard to think of them as "old". Them, or anyone in my family, really.

I'm telling you, a pause button in life would be nice sometimes.

Rest in peace, Uncle Roy.

I don't know anything about a groundhog.

2011-02-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

Dustin had to explain Groundhog Day to me today. I guess spring is coming early, or some crap like that. Whatever. We live in Florida and it never gets colder than 50 degrees here. I don't care about the groundhog's shadow.

Life has been flying by in it's typical fashion. Lily started preschool this week. Traumatic, I tell you. More for me than for her, I'm sure. Read more about it here on my mama blog, if you'd like.

I am already obsessing about having to go to San Diego in a a couple weeks for work. I love California and I'm excited to have some free time out there to meet up with my dear friend Jessica who just had a (second!) baby boy a few weeks ago, but being away from Lily gives me anxiety. I don't know that I'll ever get used to it.

I cannot wait for flu season to getthefuckoutofourhouse. Someone in this house has been sick for the past few months and its making me neurotic. (Ok, maybe not making me neurotic because that shipped had already sailed, but it isn't helping the cause).

I really want to start blogging more, and I have so much to get out of my head, but I always get a mad case of writer's block when I sit down to let it out.

I have been dreaming about, where else, Costa Rica these past couple of days. I need some serenity and relaxation. Work is making me crazy.

I didn't really intend on this post being so random but it's working out ok.

The question of, "Where do you see yourself in ten years" is interesting to me. Thinking back ten years ago, I could have never have imagined to have this life that I have today. I'm pretty proud of where I am, stress and all. I hope I'm just as proud in my 40's.

Gross. I just realized I'm only 6 years away from 40.

I need to start going to bed earlier. Good night.

Visiting a bit.

2011-01-19T15:19:00.001-05:00

Last weekend my dear friend Jaime and her family came down from New Hamphshire to visit...

{Jaime and her 8 month old, Emma}

{At the Old Salty Dog in Sarasota}

They had been planning this trip for a little over a month and we were so excited to spend some time with them. We had great intentions for the 5 days to relax and just spend quality time with them, without a lot of plans. Well, the best laid plans can crumble into a weekend of the stomach flu (for me), so needless to say, our visit was cut much too short.

But, in the two healthy days, Jaime and I were able to escape for pedicures and Starbucks, we all went to our community's park, ate some home cooked meals, and went to Sarasota's Mote Marine Aquarium...

{Lily and Ryan at Mote}

{The stroller brigade- Emma, our friend Susie's girl Taylor, and Lily}

It was still a great visit with a beautiful family.

It's amazing to me that Jaime and I have been friends for 24 years. We met in middle school when we were only 12 years old. We were inseparable throughout most of high school and have always remained close, through thick and thin.

Being together now as parents and "grown ups" is such a shock to my psyche. It seems like just yesterday that Jaime and I were out every weekend getting drunk on Budweiser and writing "I <3 So and So" on our notebook that we passed back and forth to write one another letters in, (because, you know, we couldn't have possibly been ok with just talking in between classes or after school). We were every sense of the phrase "boy crazy" and were always into some kind of trouble. (Always the fun kind of trouble.)

What was, and still is, magnetic about Jaime is her soul. She is honestly a rare find. Non judgmental, carefree and easy going. She has supported me through some of the most dark portions of my life, when many friends made themselves scarce, and always had a positive spin to put on things for me.

I'm thankful for the short-but-sweet visits that we're able to have now, although I miss our more intense, crazier times. I am truly blessed to have so many memories with such an amazing person.

Thanks for the visit, Devine Family. Hopefully we'll all be vomit-free next time around :)

So long, 2010.

2011-01-03T16:23:00.003-05:00

Another year gone. More memories made.
January:

My little girl was only 8 months old and had just started crawling.
I was at a crossroads with my job, unsure of what I was going to do.
I was just beginning to get the hang of this parenthood thing, as far as coming out of complete and utter shock.

February:

Our best friends, Drew and Nicole, welcomed their son, baby Ty, into the world.
I joined several other FIFs in Milwaukee for a baby shower.
My job worries were alleviated by getting an offer to be a district manager for my old company.
I helped host a baby shower from my beautiful friend, Susie.

March:

We visited with our friends' little girl, Ryleigh.
We got our new Canon (which I still don't know how to use).
We started planning a trip for 18 people, going to Costa Rica in September.

April:

Lily learned to love the beach and started going to library play groups.
I began planning a one year birthday party.
I began really learning the ins and outs of my new position at work.
We put a deposit down on a brand new house.

May:

My Lily turned one.
I started getting serious about losing the baby weight.
I experienced my first Mother's Day.

June:

Dustin and I had a night away at the Ritz.
We got to visit with Anne Marie and James, our dear friends that live in Jacksonville.
We found renters for our old property (might not sound like a big deal but I've never been so relieved in my whole life).

July:

Our house was almost finished.
Lily started walking...a little.
I went to the Warped Tour and figured out how old I actually am.

August:

Dustin and I turned 2.
We painted. A lot.
We moved.
Lily was really walking now.

September:

Costa Rica. That's all that comes to mind.

October:

We took Lily to her first fall fair at Hunsader's Farm.
We got an early dose of Florida fall weather.
We dressed Lily up twice on Halloween weekend.

November:

I lost one of the best friends that I have ever had.
Lily turned a year and a half.
Thanksgiving did not live up to the hype.

December:

It was a blur, it went by so fast.
We had a beautiful Christmas.
I started dreaming of Costa Rica 2011.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, 2010 was a good year in many ways. I never thought we would be able to buy a brand new home or successfully get 18 of us in and out of the country safely, for the second time, and have such a fabulous time doing so. I never thought I would make it through my first year of motherhood unscathed, with nothing but strength coming from it. I never thought I would turn 34...and look half way decent. I never knew I could be so proud of who I am and where I am in life.

There were some definite low points, such as losing Bear and also having some people, that Dustin and I thought were very good friends, shit all over us, but none of which distracted us long enough to scar the entire year.

That all being said, I don't have a significant reason to be glad that 2010 is over, but there is something so refreshing and renewing about a new year. It's a chance to start over, in a sense, and it brings me new found motivation. I never make resolutions, per se, but I certainly have aspirations for the year. I intend on finding a balance in my personal life so I can manage a workout/yoga schedule and find some time for my husband. I hope to budget a bit better and hope to plan for retirement and Lily's future.

I also cannot ignore the excitement of watching this amazing little person in my life grow into a kid. I am hoping for "terrific two's" instead of "terrible two's". I cannot wait for Costa Rica in August, which will just be Dustin and I this year (and perhaps a few friends).

So, bring it on, 2011. I'm ready for more good things, good lessons, and good memories.

Happy New Year, everyone.

A merry weekend.

2010-12-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

We had an amazing Christmas, full of family, friends, gifts, and stress. Ok, not really stress but if you know me then you know I tend to get a little...hyper about things. I'm a planner and I like to have everything "perfect".

Christmas Eve dinner was at our house, where we fed 15...

Dustin made snapper, boiled shrimp and stone crab. I made turkey lasagna. It was all delicious.

The baby entertained us all, of course. We stared at her as though we were all watching the most wonderful Broadway act of all time. She was well behaved and happy.

We were surrounded by friends and family, which is what makes holidays amazing, of course.

And on Christmas morning, we opened...

and opened....

and opened some more...

(that's Ty, our best friends' baby)

...until we went to the next house, to open more...

It was such a fun day.

For me, I tend to love these days more and more when I reflect on them. Yes, sure, they're wonderful in the moment, but when I sit back, let everything sink in, look at pictures and process, I realize how truly amazing my life is and how truly blessed I am to have this close-to-perfect life. I suppose that's what the holidays are all about: realizing how rich you are, with or without money.

So, at the end of the weekend, was the stress to make everything "perfect" that I put on myself worth it?

No.

It was already "perfect" because of that little red head that couldn't wait to open another "preeesenth". I don't think anyone noticed how clean (or dirty, for that matter) my house was.

Here's to an amazing 2011.

Noel, Noel...so I took a bus.

2010-12-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

If you're from Chicago, you'll understand that title.

Since I've lived in Florida, which is now 24 years, it has always been a challenge to get into the Christmas spirit because it's always 90 degrees on Christmas morning. The only thing that keeps my spirits hopeful every year are traditions that we have built upon since we've lived here.

One tradition that we started in 2008 was Christmas Photo Cards. Noticed I linked you to Shutterfly? Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE GIVING AWAY FREE PHOTO CARDS, Y'ALL!!! {And yes, I am shamelessly writing this post so I can get in on the deal}.

We started the photo card tradition because, well, we like the "look how freakin cute we are" effect. I'm not modest.

In 2008, we used this photo, simply because it was our favorite from our August '08 wedding:

Last year, we used a few photos that my very talented friend Kerri Gagne took when Lily was just 7 months old:

This year we had another friend, Jennifer, snap some shots of us at Historic Spanish Pointe. We're waiting for those to arrive so I can't share yet, plus I'm not ruining the surprise!

As far as style of cards for this year...Shutterfly has so many options, I have no idea which one I'll choose. I love THIS ONE, THIS ONE, and THIS ONE.

And looking around at their other products, if we were having a New Year's party, I love this invitation. So cute.

And THESE make fabulous gifts. I bought one for myself last year and I love it.

So, I'm excited to carry out our first Christmas tradition of the season and get these ordered! I hope everyone is getting into the Christmas spirit and gearing up for food, family, and friends.

{If you want in on this 50 free Christmas Card deal, click here. It's awesome.}

Thankful Weekend.

2010-11-27T10:31:00.001-05:00

Regardless of having these feelings written in this post, I am having an amazing Thanksgiving weekend, filling it with family, friends, food, and a little shopping.

Something magical always comes out of the holidays and even though this Thanksgiving did not live up to my fantasy world expectations, I am still able to see the forest through the trees ( or is it trees through the forest? That always confuses me)...

I am thankful for toddler tantrums...because that means I have a healthy, normal child and was able to conceive.
I am thankful for arguments with my husband...because that means that I have a real relationship that takes work.
I am thankful for annoying family members...because that means I am surrounded by family, the most important thing in life.
I am thankful for gaining a pound or two...because that means I have plenty to eat.
I am thankful for missing Bear dog...because that means I had an amazing pet in my life that made quite an impact on me.
I am thankful for the frustrations of owning a brand new house...because that means we have an incredible roof over our heads.
I am thankful for frustrating day care searches....because that means that I have an amazing job to provide for my family.

Life is full of lessons, as cliche as that might sound, and being able to embrace these lessons is really an important part of everyone's journey. These past couple of months have been more difficult than most, in my reality, but some of the most amazing lessons are definitely emerging from them as well.

Now, I'm off to the store to get ready to watch Florida State kick ass against the Gators! I am SO thankful for college football.

Also, Happy 39th Anniversary to THE most amazing couple EVER...my parents! You are truly inspirational. We love you lots.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.

2010-11-20T20:58:00.001-05:00

I did not expect all of these same emotions that I have felt from losing a human to emerge from the loss of a dog. Actually, some of these feelings are worse than how I've felt when grieving a human in the past. I am shocked to say that out loud, or to even have that thought at all.

Some might speculate that perhaps I haven't ever lost a human that I was deeply connected with, in order to say something like that, but the truth is, I have. I have lost two grandparents that I was close with, one when I was 21 and one when I was 26, a high school friend who died in a tragic accidental shooting when I was 23, and a cousin when I was 15.

I had very close relationships with all of them, in one capacity or another, but I believe what is different with Bear is that he was literally by my side for 12 solid years. There is now a huge void in the house. An eerie still or calm, maybe. There is an obvious absence of a life. I'm honestly struggling being home without him. I even wondered if my feelings were abnormal. I read this article that validated my feelings a bit, but because I'm so intensely analytical I had to dig deeper and figure out why mourning Bear has been so difficult.

This past week has been a time of reflection for me and a time to really grasp the chapter in my life that just ended. Bear began my adult life with me. Bringing him home at age 22, I was merely in the infant stage of adulthood. I had just graduated college 8 months prior to Bear. It was truly a lifetime ago.

I won't rehash where Bear and I came from and what we endured together. I wrote this post a little over a year ago to discuss those feelings, but what I didn't truly realize when Bear was alive were all of the roles that he played in my life during his 12 years.

He provided me with safety, friendship, and constant companionship.

He was my eyes and ears of every house I ever lived in during my adult life. From the innocent street of south Venice, to the questionable studio in Nokomis, to the odd townhouse in Orlando, to our current gated community...he was my/our security system. He made me feel safe in nine different houses, adapting to each with ease, just as long as he had the safety of his family.

He was my most loyal friend. Ever. I have discussed on a couple of occasions on this blog about how I have been disappointed by some of the girlfriends in my life. It's no secret that good friends are hard to come by. Bear, as every good dog does, listened to me without judgment. He let me cry on him. He gave me his paw when I needed it. He was always at my feet through thick and thin. His loyalty was unprecedented.

He went with the flow of every event of this family. Whether we were living in 300 square feet or 2000, he was just happy and content to be with me. When Lily was born, he dutifully took a step back in pecking order of the pack and willingly accepted it. He was a true companion.

As I write this, these roles of his sound so simple in text but they truly filled up so much of my life, and now they are empty. It's a profound loss.

I still feel his presence at times. I turn the corner to my office and expect to see him there. I "see" him out of me peripheral everyday. I go to call for him at night, after I put Lily to bed (which has proven to be the most difficult time of the day), to come and lay by me. I want to give him his signature beckon of "pssssttt, psssssttttt" every time I drop food on the ground so he can come and clean up after me. I want to say to Lily, "Let's go home and see Bear dog", every time we're out somewhere and about to head home, just like I always have. I will hear a noise in the house and assume it's his nails rubbing the tile.

I could go on and on. If you are an animal lover and have gone through this, I know you understand all of the above.

Lily is what has been my only saving grace this week. She is an amazing source of laughter and happiness, of course. I wrote this post on her reaction to this loss, or lack there of, but I truly thank God that she is here. These wounds would run so much deeper if she wasn't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, big Bear dog....it's much too simple to say that I miss you. You were an integral part of this family. You were a staple in my life for so long.... this will be quite an adjustment. I am just so thankful that you are pain free now. I know you are enjoying popcorn and frisbees every single day. I know your sight is restored along with your muscles in your spine, hips and shoulders. I know your teeth are shiny, white, and healthy. I know you're standing proud and noble, as always, with a beautiful, glistening coat.

Thank you for all that you represented to me, Bear. I will forever be grateful for what you provided for me. Rest well and know that we will never find another you.
Love, your Mama.

Heavy Heart.

2010-11-15T13:02:00.000-05:00

This is all I can muster up for now, a copy and paste of a poem I found:

If it should be that I grow frail and weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,

For this, the last battle, can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end

And hold me firm and speak to me,

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree,

It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you,

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close,we two, these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.

Author Unknown

Love you forever, Bear. Thank you for your companionship and loyalty for the past 12 years.

Recent Happenings and Thoughts

2010-11-03T14:24:00.000-04:00

I am shocked that I only managed to post twice in the month of October. I don't know where my writing mojo has gone.
I am so tired. Having a toddler, running a sales force and a household has been taking it's toll on me lately. I need to find a balance. Maybe that's where my writing mojo has gone?
Halloween was so much fun. Having a child makes every holiday exciting. Lily still didn't understand trick-or-treating, or Halloween in general, but it was fun to dress up and teach her all about it.

Read more about Lily happenings here...as soon as I get around to posting :)
I cannot believe the retail Christmas commercials that started November 1st. Too.Soon.
We met a lot of our neighbors on Halloween and I love this young community. It's almost like we moved out of Florida with all of these younger people around us.
Although I've been exercising for at least 30 minutes a day, walking or biking, I miss my yoga class desperately. It might be time to join the Y soon.
Our house doesn't look a whole lot different from when we moved in. I wish I was more creative with decorating.
I love fall but we REALLY need some fall weather here. 90 degrees isn't cutting it.
Adding to my car addiction, I replaced my Honda CRV with a Honda Pilot. I am in sweet baby love with it.

That's all for now. I promise I will write about something a bit more riveting soon!

Friday.

2010-10-22T21:33:00.002-04:00

In my previous life, Friday never meant that much to me. In fact, it actually meant I would be working harder than during the week days.

That's the life of a restaurant worker.

My very first job was in a restaurant at the age of 12. (Yes, 12.) I wanted to work so desperately. I always saw how hard my parents worked, my dad with his own business and my mom as a waitress, and I wanted that too. I wanted my own money and wanted to see what it was like, so my parents allowed me to try it out at a young age, probably thinking I would come running home screaming, "NEVER AGAIN!!!!1".

Lucky for them, I did like it and I did enjoy making my own money.

It was at this little place called Italian Villa and the year was 1988. I was a dishwasher for $5 an hour, cash. (Yes, a dishwasher. And no, I didn't have a dish washing machine, I actually washed the dishes by hand.)

Since it was an Italian restaurant, you can only imagine the red sauce and cheese on these disgusting plates. Plate after plate, stacked on top of one another, glued together by dried cheese and sauce. Good lord, I can still remember how I smelled after standing in that kitchen for 6-7 hours. I would come home soaking wet and so exhausted. It was awful...but somehow liberating.

Strangely enough, this is where my love for the restaurant business began. I worked in restaurants from that point on until I was 28, (except for a 4 year period from '92-'96 when I worked for Target). There was just something about the energy of a restaurant that I loved. I thrived on the chaos of a busy night. I lived for that adrenaline. This might all sound ridiculous but this is all true. The restaurant business can get in your blood.

My longest running restaurant gig was with a small 'mom and pop' called Luna's, here in Venice. I started Luna's in January of 1999. At that time, I was a social worker during the day and because a supplemental income was absolutely necessary, I sought out a high energy place where I could bank some cash.

And so I did.

For seven years I worked my ass off there, (dropping my daytime job rather quickly),...and loved every single second of it. It was there where I met my husband and some great friends, which was just an added bonus. I truly loved my job. Here I was, a 20-something with a four year Bachelor's degree, waiting on tables, making a lot of money.

I always was so embarrassed to say I was "just a waitress" when people would ask what I did for a living, like it was something to be ashamed of, but when I think back on it now, I don't fully understand why I felt that way.
I:
-had kick ass hours of 4pm-11pm
-made between $600-$1000 a week, depending on how many shifts I worked
-had a flexible schedule
-got to meet new people everyday
-didn't have to take my work home with me
-wasn't micro managed

It was a damn good job. Sure, I had the old couple that would share their slice of pizza, water with multiple lemons, who ran my ass of demanding more napkins, and complaining about the crust being tough, and yes, I had the foreigners who claimed that they don't understand what 15-18% gratuity actually is because, "they don't practice that in their country" :::bullshit:::...but I loved my job.

And Fridays...oh, Fridays. They were BUSY. I lived for my Friday night shifts. An easy $200, at least. When the rest of my friends were saying "TGIF" because they had their weekend off, I was saying "TGIF" because I was about to make some good money and still sleep in on Saturday.

As my body slowly started to show signs of hating me because of the long hours on my feet (and inevitably, my knees), I gave in and looked for a "real" job.

So here I am, a little over 5 years into my career, no more weekends, making a much more comfortable salary, benefits, etc.... and would you believe that I miss my old definition of TGIF?

Call me crazy but the restaurant business found it's way into my soul. I will probably always miss it.

My love/hate relationship...

2010-10-03T21:12:00.001-04:00

...with technology.

Remember how...
"Video killed the radio star"?
The Nintendo killed the Atari?
The cell phone killed the beeper?
The CD killed the cassette tape and then the ipod killed CDs?
The blog killed the written journal?

This post is dedicated to my love/hate relationship with technology and where it's bringing us as a society. I know this is beating a dead horse and this conversation has taken place many, many times at dinner tables around the country but it has really started to resonate with me lately.

Technology is killing our personal relationships.

Emailing, texting, IMing, Tweeting, Facebook-ing, and chat forums are all vehicles that we're using to cultivate and maintain relationships. This is fantastic in it's own right. Haven't heard from a friend in 10 years? Look them up on Facebook, stalk their pictures, pretend to care that it's their birthday...it's fabulous! God knows that I LOVE me some internet time and even built some amazing friendships in chat forums with a group of girls that I call my FIFs.

I am just as guilty as the next person of using all of these vehicles to keep in touch. I even recognize the irony of this post being that I am typing it for the entire interwebs to see instead of handwriting it in my journal...oh wait, I don't even HAVE a journal anymore!
Point being, I do love technology. It's amazing...

However, I read an article today that the average cell phone user receives 347 text messages per month and only 204 phone calls. This made me sad for some reason. Why not just pick up the phone? I understand that it is much easier to text something to your husband or wife, such as, "I'm baking chicken tonight for dinner, is that ok?" (taken from a recent outgoing text to Dustin), or most things work related can be handled via email to cut back on the small talk... but what about emotionally charged issues that are being taken care of via texting and emailing?

That's where (some of) my issue is. It isn't right.

My feeling is that so many people are hiding behind keyboards these days. It is so much easier to type a Dear John letter or vent out a huge work gripe to your boss over an instantaneous email than to pick up the phone and say, "Let's talk", or better yet, "Let's meet for lunch so we can talk". Keyboards give you balls of steel, is what it comes down to.

The problem is that too much is lost in translation. What you're typing is the way that it is sounding in your head but the way it is being read can be totally different due to perception. I have been guilty of responding to emotionally charged emails myself, so I am being a bit of a hypocrite here, but it has backfired on me every.single.time. Maybe it's just that I don't know how to communicate effectively over a keyboard but it upsets me that I even have to try.

I miss the days when we all had to deal with conflict face to face or on the phone. You could hear the emotions. You could interject thoughts. You could respond to accusations with a voice instead of PUTTING THE CAPS ON FOR EMPHASIS.

Then there are obviously other issues with technology that are much more substantial concerns, such as all of the online bullying, sex-ting before the age of 16, cyber stalking, and sexual predators but I suppose none of those are hitting that close to home with me yet. I plan on just keeping Lily trapped in a bubble so they NEVER hit close to home.
I digress.

In summary, and for your ironic pleasure:
FIND YOUR BACKBONE, PICK UP THE EFFING PHONE AND TALK IT OUT.
It just makes more sense.
/soapbox

2010-09-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

Fantastic article....

I posted this on Facebook, too.

I had a "friend" (she was more of an acquaintance. You may remember this post about her) break up with me a little over a year ago because I wasn't making time for her when Lily was a newborn. I can only hope that she will read this and it will give her just an ounce of understanding.

As I discuss in my other blog, being a mom is a full time job. It's the BEST job, but it does require 100% attention to detail. This article was just too well written not to share.

Reality Sucks.

2010-09-15T20:01:00.001-04:00

That's my conclusion: reality sucks. :::as I sit here with a pile of used tissues in front of me, dying from the nasty cold that Lily and I got on the airplane home:::

Every single time we get back from Costa Rica we try to concoct a way to move there. Dustin and I share grandiose ideas with one another about selling our properties here, putting our belongings in storage, going over there, rent for a year and see if we like it... and so on. Our original ten year plan of running a bed and breakfast or a cafe over there just seems too far away.

But then... we think too much, life gets back to normal and we push the thoughts out of our heads for another year. Yes, it's probably true that the fantasy of what living in Costa Rica would be like is much better than what the reality would be...but you never know. We don't want to live with the regret of not taking the chance either. Ahhhh, choices.

As far as our trip...it was AMAZING. One of our best, without a doubt. Lily did well (which I'll post about on Promoted to Motherhood), everyone got along well, the food was great, the weather was good, the scenery was incredible. The surf for the guys could have been a little better but hey, they were better than Florida waves.

We swam...

We ate, even home cooked meals by my husband, my dad and Kendra...

We hung out with great friends and family...

We went to the beach...

We went ATVing through the mountains of Jaco...

We hiked....

And we relaxed...

It was such an incredible way to spend a vacation, surrounded with family and friends.

People ask us all of the time, "Don't you guys want to go anywhere else?"...

and we always say, "Why would we?".

See you in 2011. Pura Vida!

In 36 hours....

2010-08-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

We'll be here...

Drinking these...

Looking at these (well, I'll be looking at them while Dustin is ON them)...

With them...

and her, on her very first trip out of the country...

(and many others to help with her).
Eating here every night (Jungle Surf Cafe. Yum)...

And waking up to these guys...

We can't wait to add to our memory box!

And, for shits and giggles, as if you haven't seen enough pictures...

2006. Our first morning at Pura Vida Hotel in Alajuela. Already smitten.

Arenal volcano, where Dustin proposed, 2007.

On THE most gorgeous, fun, adventurous honeymoon ever- Osa Peninsula, Bosque Del Cabo 2008...

Relaxing and celebrating one year of marriage, 2009...

We're so fortunate to have been able to visit this amazing place for 5 years in a row. It's so special to us and we are so, so excited to share, yet again, with family and friends this amazing country that we've deemed our own.

Pura Vida!

Babbles.

2010-08-28T20:52:00.000-04:00

I can't believe its been 3 weeks since my last post. I must be busy...or lazy.
4 days until we leave for Costa Rica. I am so.freakin.excited. 18 of us, all watching Queen Lily. Hoping for a happy traveling baby.
I've barely done any decorating in out new house because I am feeling overwhelmed with it.
I can't believe I am going to be 34 in less than a month. No one ever told me I would get this old.
Bear hasn't been doing so great and I'm a little worried about leaving him. I know my aunt will take great care of him but I just hope he doesn't get too stressed when we leave.
I am already almost 100% packed for said vacation. 4 days early. I'm ridiculous.
I love the sound of thunderstorms at night.
I am relatively boring lately.
I need to take more pictures of Lily. I have very few from the past 3 months.
I wonder if we'll come home from Costa Rica planning our move there, like we did last year. ::sigh:: One of these days.

2.

2010-08-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

It's been 2 amazing years since we said our vows. I can't believe how time flies.

What a magical time we had in Costa Rica with our family and friends.

And our our first anniversary, we celebrated with our 3 month old in St. Augustine...

And on our second, we worked. We have to pay for this gorgeous house we just moved in to...

...but we still had time to take a picture!

We did have a date night Saturday, thanks to my mom. We celebrated by going to Carabba's, then out for a quick drink, then to a friend's house. Yawning by 9:30, we were sacked out by 11pm. We're that fun, old married couple.

Thanks, babe for an amazing 2 years. Here's to at least 60 more.

Moving on...

2010-08-02T11:28:00.001-04:00

I have never really had emotional ties to any house that I have lived in. Our new house will be my 10th home in 12 years. Being that we have lived here for over 6 years should tell you how much of a gypsy I can be. I've never had a problem just up and moving (as long as its near my family). Come to think of it, I treat my cars this way and I used to do this with my jobs as well. Possibly some sort of fear of commitment? Boredom? Who knows. Lucky for Dustin, I'm loyal to my relationships.

I digress.

Here I sit, the night before the last night in this house and I'm feeling nostalgic and a bit emotional. Only two more nights of memories here. It's bittersweet.

It has been six years and two months living here and as I type that it seems impossible because it has gone by so, so fast. Yet, June of 2004 seems like a lifetime ago. This house has seen us through so much and to say that I will miss it would be much too simplistic.

This house...

Took me in during a mini nervous breakdown.
Taught me how to remodel. Taught Dustin how to remodel. Both with the help of my dad.
Saw me through a lawsuit and an overall shitty 2004.
Saw Dustin through his college days.
Saw me through Luna's, substitute teaching, Passion For Paws Pet Sitting, Herizon MRI, Citrus, Breg, and now Citrus again.
Grew a 3rd bedroom, a covered patio, a shed and a paver deck.
Had no lawn for several years in the backyard.
Harbored Bear in the backyard for many, many hours while he soaked in the fresh air.
Saw many, many holidays.
Kept many arguments inside these walls.
Vibrated laughter on too many occasions to count.
Sheltered quite a few guests.
Shared the street number of my grandma Mary's house when she was alive. Thank you gram for helping me with this place.
Saw many, many plants and cultivated my husband's love for foliage.
Had a hole cut in it for a beautiful reef tank.
Saw Dustin and I through dating, engagement, and our first 2 years of marriage.
Held many dinner parties.
Held many parties, period.
Held one colossal baby shower.
Saw more paint in each of the rooms than any house I've ever seen.
Sheltered many boxer dogs while they were in foster care.
Kept me comfortable...well...tried to keep me comfortable...during 9 months of misery, er, pregnancy.

Most importantly....this house is Lily's first home. We brought her here and she filled this house with love, laughter, joy, tears, happiness, frustration, sleeplessness, cooing, giggling, talking, crawling, walking, wonderment and so much more. She made this house our home and safe haven.

So, my little Venice East house. You will be missed. Please provide as many memories for our tenants. and any other future inhabitants, as you did for us. You were good to us and so comfortable. Thank you for seeing us through such an amazing time in our lives.

Tuesday, we begin to build new memories at our new house, which is so exciting. This house will bring tea parties, first days of school, growing tall, growing more teeth, growing more curls, losing teeth, more holidays, new neighbors, a beautiful community (with a pool!), and so much more.

Aging.

2010-07-24T10:05:00.001-04:00

In a follow up post to my "Grown Up" post a couple of weeks ago, lets talk about things that affirm that we are, in fact, aging.

Last night I went to the Vans Warped Tour to see my favorite band, Face to Face, who has just gotten back together after a 7 year hiatus. Yes, I am a punk rock girl at heart. Surprise, surprise.

For those of you that are not familiar with the Warped Tour, its a compilation of "punk rock" bands in an all day festival. I quote "punk rock" because that was the foundation of the festival when it began in 1995. Now, it's more like a pop music middle school concert, with a few old school punk bands thrown in the mix.

I last attended a Warped Tour in the summer 1996 with a bunch of my friends. I was 19. I fit right in. It was 900 degrees outside, but back then it really didn't seem to matter to me. There was a line up of about 10-15 bands, such as Face to Face, Blink 182, Pennywise, Down By Law, Mighty Might Bostones, and several other bands that I was in sweet baby love with in 1996. I remember spending most of the day there and thinking nothing of it. It was fun and that's about all I remember.

Last night, I did not fit in. I am 33. The median age was approximately 17. Dustin and his friends even seemed to be the old guys there at 25-26.

I walked in alone because Dustin had been there most of the day. I only went to see Face to Face and could not fathom the thought of spending an entire eight hours out in the heat. I would die.

The first thing I noticed, before I even walked into the gates, was that it clearly isn't necessary for today's youth to be prepared for the rainy weather. All the girls there were walking around in bikini tops and boy shorts or teeny tiny cut off jean shorts. No matter their body type, that's what they were wearing. Oddly enough, the boys were dressed in a similar fashion, in tight jeans or shorts with no shirt or a tank top. I believe the kids call it "emo" these days.

I was dressed conservatively in my cargo shorts, tennis shoes and v-neck gray t-shirt. I had my rain poncho. I obviously belonged at the Dave Matthews or John Mayer concert. Sore.Thumb. I'm telling you, I felt like I was 70, no exaggeration.

"Hmph", I said to myself, "this is not how I remember Warped Tour at all". Oh yeah. That's because it was FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!

Again, I've always felt sort of timeless. I've always done a pretty good job in melding into groups of friends that were younger than me. This feeling I had last night was the polar opposite of timeless. I am aging and I felt it... for the first time.

As I watched Face to Face, I looked around and observed the crowd. Sadly, they didn't have much of a following like they used to. This was my 6th or 7th time seeing them live and they packed the house at all their previous shows. Last night, it appeared that few knew who they were, as evident by the young girl standing in front of us before the show began who said, "So, what's Face to Face like?".

Oh my Gawd, did she really just say that?? I suddenly felt like my parents explaining The Beatles or Led Zepplin to me. Ok, so Face to Face isn't quite on that type of level of fame...but still. HOW can you be at a punk rock show and not know who Face to Face is? This girl was probably in elementary school when I went to Face to Face's last show in 2000. Ugh.

Those that did know of them, were the "older" crowd of 25-35. We knew every word to every song. It was this bizarre camaraderie of holding-onto-our-youth, type of feeling. Still being and acting young even though we are quickly approaching middle age.

I had to wonder to myself if the Face to Face band members felt it too. They are all in their early 40's with families of their own. They had to have noticed the lack in the crowd. They asked, "How many of you have seen us here in St. Pete at Jannus Landing back in the day?", :::Cheers from the crowd::::, "Alright! We've got some old timers here!".
Then, again they asked, "So, who comes on after us?". A kid up in the front row yells, "ANDREW W.K.!!!",(which was clearly the only reason he was standing in that spot, to wait for the next show). The lead singer responds, "Great! The party starts after Face to Face!". :::Sigh:::: Just not the same.

BUT! Oh.my.God. did they sound amazing. Although it was only 35 minutes of music, it was so, so worth it. Feeling old, and all.

Notice at the end of the video how Dustin got in trouble for filming. Opps. Pretty funny though.

After their show, the drummer and the bassist came out to mingle with their (few) fans. I grabbed one of their set lists and had them sign it, told them how great it was to have them back.

I'm excited for them to do a headlining tour this fall for their new album. When I go to that show, I expect to be in good company with other old timers.

Lazy walker.

2010-07-22T19:47:00.001-04:00

Promised video of Lily's first steps at 13 months old (July 2nd, to be exact)...

That was pretty much the most walking she has done in the past month! Until yesterday, when she did this out of the clear blue (yes, she is wearing the same outfit in both videos)....

As you can see, she is also just now learning how to get to a standing position without assistance. She is a lazy baby! We will even ask her, "walk to mama", and she will shake her head no. Typical Nichols :)

T minus 5 days!

2010-07-15T21:49:00.001-04:00

5 days until we close on our new house!

We had our "walk through" today and the house is absolutely gorgeous. I am almost in a bit of denial that we are doing this or maybe it just doesn't feel possible? We are so fortunate that we are able to do this and I could not be more excited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I haven't posted pictures or videos in so long. We have just been so busy and it's hard to find a balance in life right now. I will catch up soon though. I have some cute videos of Lily acting crazy on the 4th of July and even her first steps! Pictures of the new house coming soon too. Oh, and I gave up on my Project 365. It was just too much pressure. :) The new job took my away from my picture taking!

Lily is 14 months old today. She is such a character these days and difficult to keep up with at times! She isn't quite walking yet but we know it's out of pure stubbornness since we have seen her take several steps. She just doesn't want to walk.
We survived her first illness, which you can read all about here if you don't already follow my other blog. She's a trooper and is back to herself now.
We cannot wait to take her to Costa Rica in 48 days!

All grown up.

2010-07-03T18:58:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that I married someone 8 years my junior. ::insert any and every cradle robbing/cougar/Mrs. Robinson joke here:::
Psychologically, I am aware that this "says something" about me, and probably about Dustin too. I know this. I was a social work major. I took a lot of psychology classes. I'll leave that to the professionals though.

Completely off topic. Actually, I'm really not sure what the topic is.

Anyway, ever since we started dating 7 years ago, I was always was so quick to defend our relationship by saying, "He's SO mature for his age and I'm immature for mine". Albeit defensive at the time, it was, and still is, absolutely a true statement. Dustin is a bit of an old soul, and I, well, I've always been a bit immature. Not in the "giggle at the word penis" kind, but the...I don't know..."free spirit" and "I still watch MTV" kind?. Not sure that's even an accurate description but if you know me, you know what I mean.

It recently came to my attention that I am kind of a grown up now and I'm trying to figure out how to play this role. This thought occurred to me as I was reading through the 600 sheets of paper that go along with the purchase of our new house. I said to myself, "Holy shit. I am totally pretending to be a grown up. I have no idea what any of this shit means", which lead into the other thoughts of what makes me a "grown up".
I:
-Am 33 years old.
-Am married with a child of my own.
-Will soon own TWO pieces of property.
-Will be a landlord in a little over a month.
-Have a fancy title of "Vice President of Operations" of my company (which basically means, "hand everything to Vanessa and she will take care of it").
-Will soon be up to my eyeballs in debt due to most of the above mentioned. (Isn't that the American way?)

Some will state the obvious and say that none of the above makes me a "grown up", per se, or possibly throw a cliche at me, such as, "You're only as old as you feel"(or something along those lines), but the truth is that I never have completely accepted that I am an adult.

This delay in realization of adulthood might be because my parents have always done so much for me and always made/make me feel "taken care of", in the emotional sense. Or maybe it's truly just a state of mind. Again, I will leave the psychological stuff to the professionals.

It's just crazy to sit back and look at my life as a grown up and realize that I have this list of responsibilities. Yes, I've had responsibilities for years but with all of these big decisions I've/we've made these past few years it just feels...different.

It's just such an odd feeling when you actually feel yourself making a transition in life. I suppose I'm actually putting so much thought to it since it makes me realize how my parents prepared me and educated me on how to make decisions in life. There is so much work that goes into molding your child into someone who is prepared for life as an adult.

This all makes me wonder how this feeling will blend into the way I raise Lily (since everything now somehow makes me think of Lily). I wonder if I will try to be the "cool" parent who "hangs out" with their kid, yet still try to instill some responsibility in her? Will I let her get away with murder, like I do now? Will she feel the same way as I do when she is 33?

Regardless, I just hope she isn't in a hurry to grow up. Although beautiful at times, it's well overrated.

Changes.

2010-06-25T13:55:00.000-04:00

I started a new blog.
I changed the name of this blog.
I changed the template.
I changed my picture.

I needed change. I decided to split my blog into two. I wanted to go in a different direction but didn't want to take this blog with so I just started a new one.

The new one is all about being a mom and I'm using it more of a journal. It's going to be very honest and real; things I never read about motherhood.

I'm keeping this one for what it's always been: a little bit of everything (so I'm not promising that I won't continue to talk a lot about Lily here :). I will still continue my letters to Lily here, pictures, etc. I really just needed to start a journal and not just a "here's what's going on with me" thing.

Follow me if you'd like on the new one but just know it won't be what everyone wants to hear all of the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking of changes, we are closing on our new house on July 21st! We're so, so excited. It's new, it's shiny, it's bigger, and it will be ours in 26 days!

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-21T07:26:00.002-04:00

How incredibly lucky Lily is to have such an amazing father. I know she already knows it too...

And I know just how incredibly lucky I am to have him in my life. To watch Dustin and Lily together is as if I'm watching the best movie in the world, one that I could watch over and over again. They never stop making me smile. Thank you babe, for being on this crazy ride called Parenthood with me. I couldn't do it with anyone else.

And then there is my dad. My amazing, smart, talented, generous, sacrificing dad...

Lily will drop anything and everyone for my dad, just like I always did for him. For those of you who do not know my dad, he just has this...aura. This caring aura that is so rare and so genuine.
He has taught me so much and been such a mentor. He is my hero.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. Thank you for being there every step of the way. We're beyond lucky to share our life with you.

Happy Father's Day to all of our family and friends!

One year meltdown, er, I mean, doctor visit.

2010-06-13T10:00:00.001-04:00

Lily had her one year well baby visit last week. Oh.My.

I'll start with the stats and the fun stuff...

She is:
22lbs (71%)
30.5 inches (70%)
and her head is...well...huge. 18.5 inches (90%) She's smart!

She is a perfectly healthy little girl.
She is advanced in her language skills, with a 4-6 word vocabulary, and right on target with everything else. The doctor gave us some interesting information about walking versus talking and she told us that babes that start their language skills early are usually on the very late end of walking, and vice versa. This must be true for our kid. Lily shows absolutely NO interest in walking. She has her little push walking toy that she will push about 10 steps...and that's it. She doesn't have enough confidence yet to even stand on her own without holding on. She love cruising the furniture and pulling herself up but very stubborn about experimenting beyond that.

Aside from that discussion, I cannot tell you what else we talked about since Lily screamed through the rest of the appointment...

Wow, what a difference in taking her to the doctor this time. In the past, she has always found a way to entertain herself while we wait on the doctor/nurses. She plays with the paper on the patient table, her toys that we give her or even Puffs would capture her attention for at least 10 minutes.

Nope. Not anymore. It was the appointment from hell. Granted, this is the longest doctor's appointment we've had with her, but that fact did not help in the moment.

We went into the appointment with crabbiness. We soon found out from the doctor that this could have been because Lily has 5 more teeth coming in at once, her eye teeth and a molar. (I think I've lost count but we might now be up to 16 now). God bless Dr. Manilla for being so sweet while Lily was screaming through the exam, but she didn't offer any encouragement on the situation. She said that the next teeth to come in would be her 2 year molars but being that she got the rest so quickly, those will be soon to follow.
Then, after we waited 30 minutes, yes, THIRTY minutes in a 9x9 room with a screaming kid, the nurse finally came in and gave her 4 shots: one in each arm and one in each leg. I have not ever seen such a look of terror on Lily's face. It was awful. She looked at me as though she was thinking, "why are you allowing the woman to torture me!!??". Ugh. It was heartbreaking.

I realized that this isn't different than what every other parent goes through with their kids, it was just new and different to us since this was our first terrible experience at the doctor's. It made me realize how lucky we are that 1.) Lily is pretty easy going and 2.) how healthy she has been so far. Yes, teething has been a monster and her sleep issues have been defeating at times but all in all, she has been such a good girl. Thank God for a healthy baby.

So, here you have it. 12 months of happy baby...

So much, yet so little.

2010-06-06T11:46:00.002-04:00

We have been so busy around here...but I can't really tell you why. Not because it's top secret or anything, I just really can't pinpoint what we're so busy doing!

One thing that is definitely noteworthy is the weekend that my husband just gave me.

To back up a minute, we were supposed to be in Cancun this weekend with my company. Once a year my boss treats us to a weekend away somewhere. We went on a cruise a couple years ago, last year was Cabo (which I also missed) and this year was Cancun. It was in the works for months and Dustin and I were originally really excited about it.
Long story short: child care, schedules, family members having to be moved...all got in the way. I really didn't want to leave Lily for 3 nights again anyway, so I was more than ok with it.

Instead, Dustin planned a short weekend away...
We headed out at 9am for our massage appointments at our favorite spa in Sarasota. After that, we headed to Selby Gardens to walk around a bit. It is so gorgeous there...

Then we went to check into the Ritz...

This was our view. Yes, fancy! I had never stayed in a Ritz before and to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money again. It was nice, but not shockingly different from any other hotel we've stayed in.

Then we headed to Ritz's portion of Lido beach...

Then we went to get some appetizers...

After a nap, we went out to dinner...

Then Dustin surprised me with...

Which was so unexpected and thoughtful.
Of course, we couldn't wait to get home this morning so we ate a quick breakfast and jetted out at 9:30am!
It was a perfect weekend. Dustin and I needed that reconnection in the worst way.
I know there isn't a lot of substance to this post but I needed to share, ok, brag about, my amazing weekend. I am a very lucky girl to have such an amazing husband.

Dear Lily,

2010-05-20T11:25:00.003-04:00

You are one whole year old.

I have sat down several times to write this but cannot seem to put into words how I feel. I'm trying desperately not to fill this with too much sappiness or cliches, but I'm finding it so difficult! I cannot even begin to describe what this last year has brought to me and how you've enriched my life.

When you were first born, people would ask me all of the time, "Did you ever imagine you could love somebody so much?". I suppose the expected answer is "No, I never imagined" but for me, from the moment I held you, it was like you were always here. It was like we were instant soul mates and you made my life make sense. It was like I knew you my whole life, loved you my whole life and needed you to be here, it just so happened that I waited until May 15, 2009 for this to happen.

There were plenty of things that I did not imagine though...
What I couldn't have imagined is the amount of emotion that you would evoke from me. I cannot tell you how many moments in your first year that you made me cry tears of joy. You make me laugh like no one else can, too. Your laugh is still as infectious as it was the first time I heard it at 4 months, and I still cry every time you get the giggles and can't control yourself.

I also could not have imagined the bond that we would create in this past year. A bond between a mom and her first child is unbelievable and something that took me by surprise. I understand your needs now, I hurt when you hurt, I miss you when we're apart, even while you're sleeping, I understand your baby language...and you, you need me when you're hurting, you look for me when I'm in another room, you understand me.

I could not have imagined how you would grow in one year. From a helpless, dependent newborn who slept her way through her first 2 weeks of life, into a growing, independent toddler who knows exactly what she wants and is usually too busy to sleep, all in one year. All the milestones that happened in your first year: smiling at 6 weeks, rolling over at 3.5 months, sitting up at 6 months, crawling at 8 months, clapping your hands, growing 12 teeth, dancing, mimicking....it was such an amazing experience to be a part of.

Lastly, I could not have imagined how unbelievably emotional I became as your first birthday approached. It's something I can't really explain but I can only hope that you will experience someday. I just could not believe that my precious little baby, who at one time found everything she needed inside of my belly, was turing a year old. As the day was approaching, I felt excited, joyous, happy, yet sad because you're getting so big. I can only imagine how I will feel the day you go off to kindergarten, or better yet, drive away for the first time.

We threw you a party on your birthday, something that I was excited about doing from the day you were born. Remember, on the day you were born, I wasn't feeling well and daddy did a lot of the work caring for you. I felt that I missed a lot that day, even if it was only a few hours. So, on your first birthday, I made it my mission for it to be the second best day of my life, next to the day you were born. I wanted to be present, in the moment, and full of energy that I could put into you. It was more than I could have hoped for...

You were an angel on your first birthday. You slept in that morning until almost 9am, only waking at 7 to have a bottle. You soaked in all of the attention. You weren't a ham, you were just content with 35 people watching you eat your lunch, singing you Happy Birthday and then watching you eat cake. You were passed around from person to person and then you even napped for an hour. You sat and opened your presents with me, for most of the time. You were just a happy little girl, basking in the love and attention. It was almost as if you knew it was your day. It was a perfect day.

It was overwhelming to me to see all of the love that people have for you. How many people gave up their Saturday to come and spend it with you, and even those that could not be here poured their love into you with phone calls, cards and gifts. You are so loved by so many people and such a lucky little girl to have the friends and family that we have. Having you has given me a newfound respect and love for the people that are in our lives and love us so much. We are so very, very blessed.

You are no longer a infant, Lily. You are now my toddler. You have a personality all your own. An amazing, fun, strong, loving personality. You had a great first year of life and you gave me a new perspective on mine. I can't wait to see what the years ahead will bring to us.

Although you are growing by leaps and bounds, you will forever be my baby.

I love you,
Mommy

My First Mother's Day

2010-05-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

It was amazing, even with my screaming baby. Actually, the screaming just solidified the fact that Mother's Day is a much needed holiday to celebrate the challenges and triumphs that come with being a mother.

My husband got me a couple dozen gorgeous lilies, Lily got me a Pandora charm bracelet like this one, only without those charms:

but she did get me this charm:

and I love it.

Dustin had to work a long shift so in the morning we went to my in-law's for breakfast. My dad joined us too to love on Lily. Here is the only picture of Lily and I were she isn't trying to push me away (although you can see the elbow to my chin. Diva):

Then, the rest of the day was just relaxing. We took Lily to the pool in my mom's community (soon to be our community too):

Auntie Nicole and Ty met us there too, which was really fun to celebrate our first Mother's Day together:

I'm bummed that I didn't get a picture with my mom, Lily and I. I never think of these things in the moment!

It was a very special day to me. If you've ever heard that you don't truly appreciate your mother until you have kids of your own, it's definitely true. I always have love, respected and appreciated my mom, obviously, but this last year has really taught me about what my mom means to me. She always handled motherhood with such grace and simplicity. She cooked, cleaned, worked, was able to be a friend, confidant, support system...just an amazing mom. Now, to celebrate Mother's Day with her, as a mom myself, is something special.

It was a great day.

Randoms

2010-05-10T19:13:00.000-04:00

I have been too emotional with Lily's birthday coming up to make a post that makes sense and isn't too sappy.
I had a beautiful first Mother's Day and the rest of the weekend was beautiful too. I WILL post about this sometime this week.
I am so stinkin excited for Lily's party.
My job is keeping me on my toes and so, so busy.
I have been sticking to my "down time" plan, for the most part...except for doing housework at night. Aside from folding some laundry, I just don't have it in me.
I have been doing yoga at least 3-4 times a week...now, if I could just balance some more cardio into my workouts, I might actually start loosing a few pounds like I want to.
I am not good at watching my diet at.all.
Lily has more teeth coming in. She has 10 established and it appears that 4 more are coming soon. God hates me.
I have a feeling that my child is going to be a challenging toddler and I will continue to eat my words about "how to be the perfect mother".
Supporting story to the last thought: We went to Wal-Mart today to get birthday party supplies. The child was getting hungry. Grandma promptly ran and got some string cheese and clearly could not feed it to her fast enough, This was evident by the screeching and half crying/screaming she was doing in between bites. Diva.
Lily loves the pool.
I like to use caps for emphasis and people often times think I am "yelling" text at them. A lot gets lost in typed translation.
I was tagged in my friend Nicolasa's blog post a few days ago and want to get to this soon.
I always dread any kind of workout, but never feel bad about doing it afterward so I have been using that as motivation.
Our new house will hopefully be completed in 2-3 months!
We NEED (emphasizing) to find renters. 3br, 2bath, 1 car garage in Venice. Put the word out.
Time for yoga.

Hide the Puffs!

2010-04-24T15:26:00.002-04:00

Last Tuesday, I took Lily to her first play group. It was called "Baby Rhyme and Sign", open for ages 0-2.5 years. It was a free class offered at out local library designed to encourage young children to learn simple sign language and sing. Very cool class.

I really didn't know what to expect, as far as behavior was concerned, from Lily. She isn't really old enough to be a complete disruption but I was a little afraid that she might be scared of other kids, or at least apprehensive. Definitely not the case.

There were about 20 other kids with their caregivers. Lily sat back and soaked it all in at first but when the music started, Lily was all over it. She was dancing and clapping and wanted to touch every kid that crossed her path.

During the 10 minute open reading time, she respectfully sat in my lap and read with me. Then during the 10 minute open play time, she crawled around, ~~stole a couple toys~~ interacted with others, learned to share a little and then played independently. I didn't have my camera, just my phone, so this was the only picture I captured:

This was taken right after the toddler whacked her in the face with a beach pail. Surprisingly, Lily didn't cry, she just gave that girl the stink eye. Oh, and the lady standing to the left, a grandma that was infatuated with the red hair. She must have asked me 30 questions about it. Lady, it's genetics, that's all I can tell you.
Little people were rummaging through my purse and Lily's Puffs, or "baby crack" as they're called, were stolen a couple of times.

A funny thing occurred to me as I sat back and watched Lily in the group. It was one of those "holy shit" moments, yet also an indescribable feeling.... I am a mom. A mom in a group with all these other moms.
Yes, I know, this is obvious and should have occurred to me at least once over the last 11.5 months, and it has, but not like this. For some reason, I welled up with tears of joy a couple times on this day, during this 45 minutes. Not that this was the first time that I welled up with tears of joy either but for some reason it was a defining moment in my short stint with motherhood. I pinned this feeling down to "Wow, my baby is growing up and I am helping her to become a person. She's not just a baby". She was clapping and dancing and laughing with other kids, it was just so cute and amazing. I realized just how much fun I am having getting to know her.

And about those Puffs...
When I went up to the front of the room to return a toy, the facilitator of the group said to me, "I noticed you brought Puffs. You might want to hide them or even leave them in the car. They seem to be a hot commodity around here".
Rookie mistake.

Embracing Down Time.

2010-04-17T21:24:00.000-04:00

It's funny, even though I'm so busy with work, baby and life, when I think about it, I actually do have down time now that I don't utilize very well. I'm sure we all do this but it really just hit me in the past week or two that I can really be inefficient at time management, if that's even the correct term.
This is going to come off as though I being pretty harsh on myself and I DO recognize that I am not a lazy person, but we all have room for improvement, right?

Lily goes to bed between 6-6:30pm every night. We start her nighttime "routine" around 5:15ish (yes, I have eaten my words about schedules. I'll save that for a later post) and once she is in bed, she's usually down for a solid 12 hours. We've worked SO hard to make that happen and it is a glorious thing indeed. It gives me peace and quiet, especially since Dustin works 5 nights a week. Not that I prefer that he works nights, but it does give me "me" time.

Yet, here I sit at 9pm, un-showered for the day, 5 loads of separated laundry in my room, a full dishwasher, and I won't even begin to list the things I could clean....yet, here I sit. It's like I go brain dead at sundown now. I don't even answer many phone calls during time, or cook for my working husband ::gasp!::. I'm shocked at my own laziness sometimes!

Why is this? Sure, I'm tired, but why then don't I go to bed at 9pm instead of 11:30 or 12?Other moms run rings around me and still manage to be in bed by 10pm!

This is what I do during said down time: I internet, watch TV, eat dinner, text message, do an ab workout every night and recently started doing yoga from a free program On Demand (THANK YOU VERIZON FIOS!!!1), so I am doing something...but nothing really productive.

So, the point....
I'm working on some goals for this down time:

Obviously, one of those goals is to work on my fitness level. I want to lose 10lbs and tone up. I have 2 beach vacations coming up, one in June and one in September, and I want to try shape up this spare tire. I will try to devote 45-90 minutes of physical activity in the evenings.
I want to attempt to have my family eat healthier. Now that my kid eats adult food, this has been a bigger deal then it ever was. We aren't terrible eaters by any means but we were eating out a ton and we don't eat ~~anything but carbs~~ very balanced meals. We have have cut back on eating take out (sorry, Outback to-go girl) and I have been cooking once or twice a week. My goal is to make that more consistent and more well balanced.
I am going to attempt to do one household chore a night, whether it's wiping down the chair rail or sweeping the garage, it's ridiculous that I sit here and ignore these easy things.
Eventually, I would like to add crafting to the mix. Scrapbooking isn'y my thing but I would like to do some type of hobby/crafting to put my mind to better use.
Read. I have the third installment of the Twilight series sitting on my nightstand....where it's been for about 6 months. Again, brain activity would be good.

Now, if someone would just hold me accountable for these things....

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-04-08T12:47:00.000-04:00

61!!!

We love you! Lily is so, so, so lucky to have you. She doesn't love anyone more than grandpa!

Thank you for being such an awesome grandpa and dad. You're the best....

It's been two weeks?

2010-03-29T23:28:00.002-04:00

Really? Wow. Lazy blogger.
Life is just flying by. I cannot believe that April will be here in 2 days.
At this time last year I was beginning my descent into the latter part of my pregnancy. You know, those miserable last few weeks in which you suddenly realize that what you are carrying inside of you is the size of a WATERMELON, only it happens to be a human who's head is sitting on your pubic bone and who's sudden movements can stop you dead in your tracks because you have a foot in your rib cage. I could go into what the definition of "lightening crotch" is, but I'll spare you.

Was it worth it? You bet your ass it was.

I'm not going to lie..the first couple of months that Lily was here, I really couldn't see exactly what all of the fuss was about. Let me explain before you call Child Services. YES, of course I fell immediately in love with Lily and YES, the minute I saw her I knew I would die for her...and all of that extra loving stuff...but the first few months were just an introduction to the meaning of parenting: the sleepless nights, the worrying, the muffin top...all that is joyous, but it was..well, a little boring? Monotonous? Tedious? All of the above. It's a trying time, I don't care what anyone says about it. It's hard. However hard you think it's going to be before you have kids, times that by a million and you'd still be a little off.

It wasn't until Lily was about 4-5 months old that I REALLY got it. "It" being the most magical feeling of realizing this little human actually responds to you, relies on you, loves you unconditionally (for now). I got it. It wasn't until that age that Lily didn't do much but eat, shit, sleep, pee and make involuntary noises. YES, all of that is cute and sweet and fun in it's own right, but I guess my point is that I couldn't actually measure the fruits of my labor (no pun intended) for a couple months to come. Obviously, some will disagree with all of this, but this just so happens to be the way that I experienced it. Hopefully, I just normalized the way some new moms are feeling. Either that or I caused everyone on the interwebs to think I'm crazy flakes. Either way, it's ok with me.

Now, at 10.5 months...it's so much more than I ever thought it would be. SO much more. She knows how to give me hugs and kisses, she mimics me, she laughs at me, she wants to know where I am at all times, she looks for me to comfort her and sometimes no one else will do...I am her mom and this is what my purpose is in life. Everything suddenly makes sense when I look at her.

I can't believe I didn't even know her a year ago. It suddenly feels like I've always known her. I suppose it's more that I was always destined to know her... and be lucky enough to be her mom.

Double Digits.

2010-03-15T21:07:00.000-04:00

My princess is 10 months old today...TEN! How is that even possible?

I could not get a smile out of her to save my life so this is as good as it gets.

Things she's into:

~~Scaling the furniture and her crib.
~~Waving. A lot.
~~Mimicking our conversations.
~~Saying "uh oh" when she drops something.
~~Singing Beyonce with me (All The Single Ladies. She loves the "Uh, uh, oh" part.)
~~Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
~~Grandpa. Grandpa. Grandpa.
~~Finger foods, like chicken, cut up green beans, CHEESE.
~~Sleeping 11-12 hours at night. Amen. (This one took a lot of work and patience on our part though.)
~~The mulch at the park. Don't ask.
~~Sippy cups.
~~Books, because they're delicious, not interesting to read.
~~Anything that is not a toy.
~~Bouncing balls.
~~Making "bitter beer" faces, like this one:

(and yes, that is a gigantic gap in between her teeth and yes, I do realize this is a horrible picture of my otherwise beautiful daughter.)

She is such an amazing little girl. I fall more in love every.single.day.

Trendy.

2010-03-11T18:27:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that everyone is a photographer these days. All of my friends have these fancy cameras and are taking AMAZING pictures with very little training.

Well, let me jump on that train.

Dustin and I have wanted a DSLR for quite awhile but never wanted to spend the money. Ok, that isn't true. Those cameras scared the shit out of me because there is so much to learn about them.

After a lot of research and comparison, we ended up with the Canon Rebel XS. It came with a 18-55 lens, which I know is just a starter lens, but we plan on getting the 55/1.8 and then a telescopic for surfing pictures.

I read the entire manual this morning. Ok, that isn't true either, but I did read most of it. It's still so confusing to me: aperture, ISO, shutter speeds, blah, blah. There are quite a few settings, some manual, some automatic...but all confusing.

So, I sucked up my pride and sought out the photography advice of The Pioneer Woman. This is a trendy train I have never jumped on to, this Pioneer Woman. Probably because I don't cook and could not give two shits how she met her husband....but now I have a reason.

I digress.

Anyway, here are some samples, most taken in the Automatic setting without any photo editing at all...

Not bad for my first shot at it, if I do say so myself. I know we have a lot to learn but this is fun.

Any tips would be appreciated!

Fun.

2010-03-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

Fun with Uncle Drew, sounding like a bird of some sort...

Taking a breath.

2010-03-01T11:33:00.001-05:00

We've been way too busy and way too sleep deprived to think much, so I'm finally getting around to posting!

Thought I would do some randomness...

I went to Milwaukee a couple weekends ago for my friend Jessie's baby shower. There were about 20 of us girls, all FIFs, and it was a lot of fun.

There was a lot of pictures being taken with fancy cameras.

There were goodie bags with cookies, Milwaukee brewed soda, cheese curds and blinking snowflake necklaces....because it's cold there.

Guest of honor.

All of us.

Lily is getting so big and she is so much fun right now. She is a happy baby. Still doesn't love to sleep, but happy all the same. She thinks she can walk. She'll pull herself up to something and then turn around, forgetting that she isn't quite stable enough to walk yet, then promptly fall on her butt. I can't believe she'll be 10 months old in 2 weeks. It seems impossible. I've been working on getting her passport for Costa Rica. I'm so excited to take her there, I wish it was next week!
Speaking of Costa Rica, there are now about 16 of us going in September. It will be a wedding reunion, plus some new friends. It will be so much fun.
I have a lot going on professionally. I'm in the process of changing jobs, going into management. I'll update about that later but I'm pretty excited about it.
Dustin has been working more on his art work and trying to build a name for himself. He's advertising some and trying to get to get a business up and running. We know this will take some time but he's working towards making it happen.
Our friends Derek and Tiffany got engaged on their trip to Breckenridge a couple weeks ago! We're so excited for them. I guess we had a pretty kick ass wedding in Costa Rica because they're planning on getting married there too!

I help host a baby shower this past weekend for my friend Susie who is due on Lily's birthday! We had a wonderful time.

That's about all my brain can produce right now.

Inspiration.

2010-02-25T12:35:00.001-05:00

One of my Facebook friends posted this link in her status this morning.

I don't know this person but I just spent over an hour reading her blog. The story she posted about the birth of her youngest daughter was just inspiring and beautiful. I hung on every word and cried throughout, some tears cried out of the beauty of the way she writes and some of actual content of her post....but mostly because that could have been us, that could be anyone...but it was her.

My heart aches and smiles, both at the same time, for this woman that I do not know. Actually, I read the story three times because of it's unique beauty and each time I found something new to smile or cry about.

This woman has no idea how she just impacted my life. This is the passage that hit home with me:

When Lainey was in the hospital with jaundice, I remember hugging Brett and crying. I told him if God would make her better, I'd do anything. I'd live in a box, I'd sell everything we had, I'd be happy with nothing...just make her better. When she did get better, that feeling of raw gratitude was real, but it wasn't long before real life set in and I was complaning once again about the dirty grout in our cheap tile and how much I wanted wood floors.

I've often thought about how quickly that feeling left because we have a perfect, healthy little girl running around that erases all the painful memories of when we thought something might be seriously wrong.

I felt that feeling again last week. And as the pain has slowly disipated, I've realized...I will always be reminded. My Nella, my special little bunny, my beautiful perfect yet unique girl will be my constant reminder in life. That it's not about wood floors. No, life is about love and truly experiencing the beauty we are meant to know.

We all take things for granted every.single.day. Today is the day that I realized how much I have taken for granted since the day Lily was born... all because I read that blog post from someone that I do not, and will not ever, know.

I have a healthy baby, which sounds so simple, but it is indeed a miracle. I have kissed Lily more today than I have since the week she was born.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the day that I spoke to the nurse at my OB's office who said, "You have a positive for Down's Syndrome on your genetic test" (if you want the full story, read here). Not because it was so traumatizing but because it was the day that I knew exactly how to love unconditionally, without hesitation and without even meeting this person living inside of me.

Although I now understand just how grossly inaccurate those genetic tests are, that will forever be a defining moment in my life and I will be forever grateful that God had that lesson for me. No, I am not a religious person, per se, but spirituality will find it's way into your soul when you have a child.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2010-02-19T13:03:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to my beautiful mom.

You are such an amazing person and I thank God everday for your love and support. You've been wonderful to not only me but my little family. We are so lucky to have you.

I hope your day is wonderful! Have fun with my little girl this weekend!

Love, Ness

In with the good, out with the bad.

2010-02-13T08:22:00.007-05:00

Or, is it supposed to be "In with the new, out with the old"? Eh, whatever, they both work.

Monday morning I woke up to this email:

I happened to stumble upon your blog. I saw in one of your post you had some wonderful things to say about your grandmother, especially when she is dying! Seems like you take after her in regards to her "attention grabbing ways." I hope for your grandmother's sake she doesn't read your blog. I learned a lot about the person you are from reading your blog. The cursing was especially helpful to show your character not to mention all of the complaining you do. I think you hit the nail on the head in your post about your cars in stating you were a brat. That is probably an understatement. Oh and it takes a real woman to say her dog is her best friend, above her child and husband!

And finally, I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING LESS FROM SOMEONE THAT VOTED FOR OBAMA!!! Next time educate yourself about the platforms for each candidate or do us all a favor and DON'T VOTE! Hope life gets better for you and you can stop your bitching and realize there are billions of other people that have it worse than you. YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!!

Although this person pretended to just "stumble upon my blog", I know exactly who sent it. I have ways of knowing things. It is the age of technology.

She is a ex "friend", who I barely knew. Her and I had a falling out months ago because I was choosing quality time with my husband and child rather than talking to her on the phone. Shocking, I know. If that makes me selfish, then yes, yes I am selfish and proud of it.

Anyway, I have a very weird reaction to things like this. I obsess about them. Maybe because I have this eminent need to be right, or maybe because it really hurts me and I want people to like who I am. Maybe both?

My initial reaction was to defend everything she said, in a response email; something like, "OMG. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME OR MY GRANDMA OR MY POLITICAL VIEWS OR WHO MY BEST FRIEND IS AND I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A NEGATIVE PERSON. MY GRANDMA ISN'T DYING!!!11", etc., but I thought that would be a bit defensive. Plus, I realize that I do put these posts on the world wide interwebs so I do open myself up for judgment and ridicule, which is a piece of this that I can't ignore.

Instead, I took this opportunity to figure out why I'm not great at processing these things, aside from the obvious of just being too sensitive. I really wanted to learn something from this and not react inappropriately. I know most of you are rolling your eyes, if you haven't stopped reading already, and saying, "Who cares! Let it go!". I wish I could, but I'm not built that way. Most of us say we don't care about what others think but I don't believe that to be the case. I think most of us really do care, in most situations. Maybe that's just me though.

Above all, I really want to teach Lily how to deal with things like this properly. Conflict management has never been a family forte.

So, this whole week, I thought about it, reread it a couple of times and analyzed what she said to me. I thought about my old relationship with this person, where it started, where I was in my life, what our friendship was like and how we interacted...which is when it really dawned on me...sometimes, it's the people I'm choosing in my life that are the issue, not really the situations that arise from knowing them. (This is probably quite obvious to some but I'm a slow emotional learner sometimes.) Not to say that these are bad people, just not the right people for me to be engaging with.

I once read that when you have a child you, knowingly or unknowingly, purge the people that shouldn't have been in your life to begin with, and the relationships that should have been there flourish. I have found that to be absolutely true. There just isn't any time for being petty or investing any emotions in negative energy.

So, what I brought out of this is that it really isn't conflict management that I need to instill in Lily as much as learning to identify people with good character to embrace. You have to find people that match where you are in your life and if you end up taking different paths, that's ok. Learn how to still cultivate that relationship and if that isn't possible, let it go.

This all sounds very simple on paper. How do you teach someone to do this? Lead by example, I suppose.

Crazy driver.

2010-02-05T08:49:00.001-05:00

Here is what Lily does with her time. She's a busy girl these days....

A huge congrats to the Danielo family! They welcomed baby Ty on Tuesday afternoon. He is so precious and we're so lucky to be a part of his life!

Love.

2010-01-29T09:07:00.002-05:00

Ok, so this video might be painfully boring to anyone but a parent or grandparents but I love it. It's just 3 minutes of Lily talking and playing with Bear. Toward the end, when Lily is trying to grab Bear's eyes, is when it's funny. She thinks everyone's eyes are removable.

Happy 101

2010-01-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

My friend Jessica thought I would have some happiness to talk about. I definitely do. Today is a good day to do this to bring out some positivity! Actually, my happiness sounds very similar to Jessica's..

The Rules

List 10 things that make you happy

Pass it on to 10 bloggers that make your day a better one.

1.) Lily. She is the funniest person I know. All I need in life is her smile.

2.) Dustin. He has NO idea how amazing he is and the happiness he's brought to me over the past 7 years.

3.) My parents. They have always been my best friends.

4.) My friends, FIFs included. They listen to me, sometimes even repeating myself due to mommy brain, and they never make me feel bad about it.

5.) Bear. He is hilarious. Old, but hilarious.

6.) Coffee. My Kuerig and Starbucks if I'm on the road.

7.) Pictures. Not just mine but everyone's. I love looking at pictures.

8.) The beach. I love that we live 10 minutes from it. It's so calming and tranquil. I could never live far away from it.

9.) Vacations. I love having something to look forward to but even more, I love planning them! I have two coming up this year, Milwaukee for a baby shower and Costa Rica which will be Lily's first trip there!

10.) Yoga. Self explanatory I think. It's so relaxing and stress relieving to me.

I'm going to cheat and not tag 10 bloggers. I don't like to make people feel pressured, BUT, I think if anyone will do this, it will be Christie, Shel and Nicolasa!

A New Angel.

2010-01-25T07:41:00.000-05:00

Heaven has one.
My step-grandfather passed away yesterday morning after a very long 4 weeks in the hospital. It was his time, but he will be so missed. He has been such an amazing care giver to my grandmother and such a good friend to the rest of us.
We were so blessed to have had you as a part of our family, Bob. You were a living Saint so I truly believe heaven has rolled out the red carpet for you. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives the way you did.

Copacetic.

2010-01-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

Today was just one of those days when everything felt...just...right. Like, really, really right.
I don't know if my hormones were in balance today or what but it was just an all around good day....

I didn't feel stressed or pressured about anything.
The baby was in a good mood.
The weather was beautiful which motivated me to take a 3 mile walk...and, Lily even SLEPT while we walked.
We had some great friends come and visit.
I got things accomplished around the house.
There was a trip to Target, where I actually spent less than $100, which is a feat in itself.
The baby learned how to pull herself up to a standing position, which amused us both a lot today.
Bear didn't stink.

These are the days when I feel like I have a real handle on this mommy thing. I know, I know, just wait until tomorrow.

Now, if I could have just worked in a nap somehow...

Dear Lily,

2010-01-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

You turned 8 months old a week ago.

Life is getting so busy with you being more mobile.
You have sloowwwllly started to crawl within the last 2-3 weeks. Mostly in your crib or on mommy and daddy's bed. We don't have any carpet in the house so you're skeptical about crawling anywhere but those two spots.
You love your new walker that I got for you last month. You are getting so much strength in your legs! You just motor around, trying to find things to get into...which ends up to be mommy's work papers and books.
You pull yourself up in your crib, almost to a standing position, but not quite. You mostly end up on your knees or, eventually, on your butt. It's time that daddy takes the crib down a notch!
You are THE most independent baby. You do not like to snuggle unless you are tired enough that you can't support your head anymore :) You're way too busy exploring to cuddle with us right now. I really, really, really hope this changes. Mommy needs the ego stroke :)
You are still so interested in technology and couldn't be bothered with infant toys. Pfffftttttt, those are for amateur babies.
You are sleeping 10-11 hours a night almost consistently now. I don't want to jinx it though because you're funny about your sleep. You do like to go to bed early, unlike your parents! 6pm, you're pretty much done for the night. You also take a cat nap in the morning and maybe a couple throughout the day.
You're eating about 3-4 jars of food a day and 4 bottles. You seem like a picky eater and DEFINITELY not into adult food at all. We've tried things like mashed potatoes, little slivers of chicken, avocado....nope. You just let it sit in your mouth. We'll keep trying :)
You are not socially shy at all. You LOVE to be out and about, which is pretty much how it has been since you were 3 days old. You really aren't afraid of anyone or anything yet....well, maybe balloons freak you out a little but still, no crying. I'm hoping this sticks around as you get older!

You are just so much fun. You have brightened up so many of our lives and made us so happy. I really didn't realize how much joy a little being could bring. Your smile is infectious and your laugh is soothing. To watch you discover your world is just an amazing thing, there is nothing like it.

I can't believe that you will be growing into a toddler over these next 4 months. I cannot help but want to completely stop time so I can take this all in. It seems so unfair that time just goes so fast. I hope these letters aren't getting old to you yet, but just know that mommy just wants to remember these times. Hopefully, in about 25 years, you'll come to me and ask what you were like at 8 months old because you have a baby of your own. I'll be able to tell and show you exactly what you were like. You are more than amazing.

My grandmother.

2010-01-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my mother, my great aunt and I settled my grandmother into an Alzheimer's assisted living facility, where she will most likely live the remainder of her life.

I hesitated on posting about this because I don't exactly know how I feel about all of this yet. I'm not even sure I know where I'm going with this post but I felt compelled, if not for any other reason than to raise awareness of the disease.

Of course I'm sad and yes, it broke my heart, especially for my mom, but I logically know this is the best thing for her. Bitter sweet, I suppose. I feel the need to remember how we got to this point with her. "
"How does a vibrant life become reduced to assisted living?", is all I kept thinking yesterday. Full circle.

Recounting memories from my perspective...
My grandmother and I have never had an extremely tight bond. She's always been a "free spirit" of sorts and very self involved. She has always been involved in my life though, by no means absent....just different and even difficult at times.

She was an avid church goer and a spent a good portion of her life preaching The Word of God, mostly unsolicited, but I believe her heart was always in a good place. I think she believed that her role in my life was to make sure that I was Saved and following Jesus, since my parents never really pushed organized religion on me. This did help us bond when I was young, as I was always the child who wanted to please, so I would follow her around church and watch her socialize. Yes, my grandmother loved attention, and actually still does.

She divorced my grandfather when my mother was young: a wonderful man who struggled with addiction in their early years of marriage, but was sober my entire life, providing me with a grandfather that I could be very proud of. They remained good friends and participated in my life equally.

My high school years did not provide many happy memories of my grandmother. She had a horrible bout with depression and as she healed, she became a very different person. She decided to marry a very emotionally abusive man and disconnected herself from the family. I did not regain a healthy relationship with her until after my college years, even though she and this man were not together for long. I was angry with her at this point, for many things, but won't spend time airing laundry. I guess this is just when my innocence was lost and I realized that families can really suck.

In the late 90's, she met a wonderful, wonderful man whom she married very early into their courtship. All my family could gather is that my grandmother won some sort of prayer lottery and that God sent this man to her. He was/is that special. Just a kind spirit who would do anything for my grandmother, despite some of her attention grabbing ways.

For the last decade, this man is what made her a true grandmother to me. Every holiday, birthday, or reason to celebrate, he insured they were available. He holds family in the highest regard and really taught my grandmother how to do that too.

Two to three years into their marriage, my grandmother developed dementia. Like any other story about dementia, the progression was quite slow but did develop into Alzheimer's a few years later. Sometime in 2006, her husband began researching facilities for her, knowing she would outlive him because of her amazing bill of health and his failing heart.

Never giving in, because his pride was too strong, my grandmother's husband became her 24 hour caregiver. He became more than half of her brain, keeping her in a routine, keeping her socialized and involved with her family, personal care...you name it.

Now, he is the one in need of care, still in the hospital after 4 weeks, battling for his life in ICU. At this point he has been unresponsive but we're praying for a miracle.

Yesterday, we placed her in the facility, which her husband wishes for her to be, being that none of us can provide my grandmother with the 24 hour care that she needs. It's as lovely as a facility of this type can possibly be, with only Alzheimer's patients.

Nonetheless, it was a very sad day.

Sad for my aunt who feels like she's lost a sister already, and who has lost brothers to this disease as well. Sad for my grandmother's husband who could not be there to help ease my grandmother's anxiety about being in a new place. Sad for me that the only great grandparent that Lily has can barely remember that she exists....but mostly sad for my mom. The reasons don't need to be stated. I think they're all obvious.

With Alzheimer's, the family has to grieve the person twice. Once when the disease has progressed to the point of where my grandmother is,- constant repeating, little recognition of faces or names, severe confusion, forgetting obvious task such as going to the bathroom, wandering, etc-, and once when they pass away. It is the most cruel disease known to man. Cruel for everyone involved. Frustrating. Annoying. Sad.

Scary. Damn genetics.

www.alz.org

New Definitions

2010-01-11T22:12:00.000-05:00

I wrote this last week when I wasn't feeling well. I never posted it and I'm not sure why.

I know I do a lot of "positive posting" on this blog, especially since Lily was born, and I have gotten away from some of my former bitch/ranting posting. I try to keep everything upbeat, blowing rainbows up everyone's asses, for the sake of my family members reading this blog... but lets face it, my family knows that I am not always the most positive person in the world.

So, lets throw in some honesty for shits and giggles...

I'm tired.

This has an entirely new meaning to me. Pre Lily "I'm tired" meant that I only got 6 hours of sleep the night before and "ZOMG, I NEED A NAP, LIKE, NOW". I love my sleep, always have. I have never been one of those people that could thrive off of 4 hours of sleep.

Now, "I'm tired" means that I don't even know what 6 hours of consecutive sleep looks like and haven't had the aforementioned since I went on my business trip back in October for two nights (yes, I remember these things, and you will too when you have a child). At least I had that though, right?

"I'm tired" means that my child has had 4 days in a row of being absolutely MISERABLE because of MORE teeth coming in, plus a head cold, so she would.not.stop.screaming or whining and was sleeping like shit.

"I'm tired" means dealing with said sick, screaming, whining child, plus trying to nurse myself back to health from the head cold that I irrationally blame my husband for bringing into this house from work (read: "WHY don't you take some efiing vitamins so you don't bring this shit into the house??!!??"). Oh, and, throw some work in there too, just to pay the bills.

I have to admit that when someone without a child complains to me about how tired they are, I can't help but think to myself, "but, but, but...you can go home and take a nap!! YOU NEED TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU CAN!", with a bit of bitter jealousy. I know this is, again, irrational but I do have these thoughts.

Tired has a new meaning, along with many other words that I used to throw around, such as "difficult", "patience" or "crabby", which I'll spare you from redefining since I'm sure you get the point. Things are different.

I know veteran moms are going to read this and roll their eyes thinking about what a rookie post this is. Perhaps some will read this and think "what the hell is she complaining about? She is so lucky to have what she has!", or something along those lines. Any of those thoughts are definitely warranted...but we all live in our own reality, this is mine and I'm still getting used to it.

New curiosities.

2010-01-09T09:13:00.003-05:00

Project 365.

2010-01-04T17:21:00.001-05:00

Check it out.

I decided to participate in this project. Find mine here.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-02T20:14:00.002-05:00

I promise I haven't abandoned my blog. My brain is just mush by the end of the day, most of the time anyway. Lily decided to sprout 2 more teeth (yes, we're up to 6, if you're counting for some odd reason) and she is exhausting these days!

As usual, the holidays have flown by. Lily's first Christmas was nothing short of perfect. She was an angel baby Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We had fun with her. Here is some evidence:
Christmas morning...

Christmas evening at grandma and grandpa's...

Good times. It went by too fast.
New Year's Eve was nice. We had my parents and some friends over for dinner, watched the ball drop and I was in be by 12:01am, no lie.
So, 2009 has come and gone, which seems impossible. Here is my year in review:

January-
In the middle of my 2nd trimester and really started gearing up for Lily's arrival. We registered for our baby shower and started setting up the nursery.

February-
Had an opportunity to make a change at work which required me to go to California twice in two weeks.
Brought Dustin with me the first time.
Went to San Diego zoo.
Met with the Ferrara family, meeting baby Joey for the first time.
Also met with my friend Lisa and her husband Dan. Fun trip.

March-
Baby shower! So much fun. So many friends, family and too many gifts. Hoarstock!

April-
Nicolas, Christian and Ryleigh's first birthdays!
Went into pre-term labor, started really disliking being pregnant at this point!

May-
Nothing more than Lily comes to mind. May 15th. Love.

June- July
Lily. Lily. Lily.
Maternity leave.
Ryan's first birthday!

August-
Lily's first vacation to St. Augustine and meeting her Auntie Annie, Uncle James and Ryleigh.
My first time away from her for a business meeting in New Jersey.

September-
Costa Rica!
I'm 33.

October-
New Hampshire to visit my beautiful friend Jaime and her family.
Lily in the flower pot for Halloween.

November-
Lily is already 6 months old and celebrating her first Thanksgiving.

December-
Lots of shopping, baking, eating, celebrating.

There was obviously so much more to the year than this but like I said, mush. All in all, 2009 will forever represent Lily and therefore was my best year so far!

As wonderful as the holidays were, there has also been a rash of horrible things happening to my friends and family. Bob, Jaime, Anne, Nicole, Christie, Chrissie, and anyone else I've forgotten, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you for all of your different situations. I hope 2010 perks up a little!

Make it a beautiful New Year!

7 Months and randomness.

2009-12-19T19:34:00.006-05:00

My Lily girl turned 7 months last Tuesday! She is such a big girl. According to our scale, she is nearing 20lbs already! I know her weight will taper off when she starts crawling and getting more active.

Man, she's heavy though. I can barely carry her car seat carrier anymore so we're looking into new convertible car seats already. It seems like last week that she looked like she was swallowed up in her carrier.

Here's what she's been up to:

She is totally sitting up for how ever long she wants to. No more falling over or face planting.
She likes to make whistling noises.
She "studies" things when she's tired, mostly blankets or tags on toys. She makes and interesting grunting noise when she does this. I should capture it on video.
She is crawling backwards and scooting, trying desperately to crawl.
She sits in the big girl portion of the shopping cart now and LOVES it.
She wants anything that we have in in our hands, no matter what it is.
She likes it when I wear hats so she can take the bill and play with it.
She's fascinated with all types of textures.
She's drinking out of a sippy cup but has not realized that she needs to lift it up to get the contents.
She is trying all types of purees...but sticks with her plain favorites for the most part. She'll give a nice big gag if she isn't happy with our choice.
She has her top 2 teeth now, so we're up to 4 and PRAYING for a teething break.
Her sleeping habits have gotten a little better since her teething slowed down. Still not napping well, but we'll take the 10-11 hours at night with just one feeding in there somewhere.

We're so excited for her first Christmas. We'll be having Christmas Eve here, hosting 14 people, and then Christmas day we will be splitting the day between families. I'm wrapping her presents, just for shits and giggles...and hopefully a cute video.

My friend Jessica made her a tutu, which I asked her to do because that's why I had a girl, to play dress up.

Speaking of having girls, my friends Jaime and Susie, (both friends from high school and are due 3 weeks from one another. Susie is due on Lily's birthday) are both having GIRLS! Also, my friend Jessie (a FIF), who is due the same day as Jaime, is also having a girl! It's such a good thing because Lily has some awesome hand-me-downs! I am so excited for these new babies!

Well, I highly doubt I will post again before Christmas, since it's only 5 days away, so I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Santa better be good to everyone! I am so thankful for my wonderful family and my wonderful friends that make this time of year so awesome. Love to everyone!

My car life.

2009-12-09T22:19:00.010-05:00

I thought this would be a nice diversion from my regular attention whorish posts about my child.
This post was inspired by my friend Melissa. I loved her post about her string of cars because I'm often teased by my family about how many cars I've had. Melissa has had 6, so I'm beating her by two (she is 3 years younger than me though). I'm not proud of that number, actually.

So, here is my car life (none of these are actual pictures of MY cars, but you need the visuals)...

Ahhhh, my first car. A 1985 Chevy Celebrity.
I turned 16 my junior year in high school (so, just about 7 years ago:) and obviously I EXPECTED a car. Duh. I was a little spoiled and the rules were that as long as I kept my grades up and worked a few hours a week, I would get a car. What I didn't realize is that I would get THIS kind of car. It was enormous, compared to all of my friends' sporty little jeeps and dodge daytonas. Nope, mine had to SCREAM safety. That it did. People made fun of me endlessly for this car, but it was all in good fun. I remember my friend Chip used to stand in my parking space in the morning and act like an airplane taxi man. Funny. I also received this HUGE front license plate as a gift to go along with the car. It read, "NESS-1". It was green with white letters (school colors) and, I love you mom, but it was atrocious. My friend Bart used to try to back into my car with his little Nissan to try to break the plate. Again, funny. I could fit a lot of people in this car though. I do have fond memories of this car. It was a conversation piece, to say the least.

My 1987 Honda Accord Hatchback.
My dad promised me that if I did realllly well in school, I would get another car after one year of having "NESS 1". To this day, my Accord was my favorite car. It had a manual transmission and a sporty look. It was considered "old" at the time, but at least it was small! It was a fun car to spin around my senior year in.

My 1993 Acura Integra.
After about 2.5 year, my Accord was giving up on my, carrying 110K miles. The clutch went and things just started to fall apart, so on to the next one. This was a total stretch for my parents, being that my first two cars were very inexpensive, but "dadddyyyyyyy! I LOOOOVE it!", I was such a brat. I was in love with this car, only it was automatic. I missed my stick shift but THIS had a sunroof. This was the car that brought me to Florida State and I have SO many memories in this car.

My 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse.
I got into a wreck with my Intergra, when someone hit me in Ocala, when traveling back to school one weekend. It wasn't totaled but it was enough to knock the snot out of that car and ruin it.
So, my Eclipse was my college graduation gift. Because "dadddddyyyy, it's SO pretty".
Seriously. Brat.
Loved, loved, loved this car. Stick shift, so fast. Just loved. This would be my longest running car at the time, a whopping 3 years. This is the car that Bear came home in. Such a fun car to drive.

Ugh. 1998 Ford Explorer Sport.
Hate.
From the moment I bought this car, it was just a piece of shit. It had all these little quirky problems that no one could figure out. I bought it because...ummm, well...I burned the engine up on my Eclipse. I said I loved it, I didn't say I knew how to take care of it. I did want an SUV though because this was in the height of the SUV craze. It was practical, but it sucked. It ruined my whole image of American made cars. Sorry, but that's the truth. This was MY first purchase though. I was 23 when I bought it and so proud that I did it on my own, even the haggling.

My 2001 Nissan Pathfinder.
Love.
I sold my Ford to...my dad. God love him, he bought my problems. I needed something dependable because I was living on the east coast of Florida and traveled a lot. The Pathfinder was my favorite "grown up car". I loved the space and it ran like a charm. I had this one for 4 whole years! This was my longest run yet!

My 2006 Nissan Altima.
My Pathfinder was getting old, mileage wise, and costing me way too much in gas because of how much I travel for work. The Altima was strictly about fuel efficiency. Liked the car, but way too small. Had it for exactly a year.

My 2008 Honda CRV.
Fuel efficient+ Honda + more room= good idea.
When I found out I was pregnant with Lily, the Altima had to go. Between my boxes for work and kid stuff, I needed more room. I like this vehicle just fine...for now. Since I have some issue with keeping a car for too long, we'll see how long this lasts.

Ridiculous, I know. My dad is going to love this post.

My Village: Part 3

2009-12-07T21:46:00.005-05:00

It's so difficult to sit down and write these posts because words don't do a justice as to how much all of these people mean in our lives so I hope it's coming across well!

My non-mommy friends.
I don't have too many of them left but the ones I do have are amazing. Specifically Tiffany, Tammie and Nicole. I only have named these three because they are the ones that either a.) see Lily on a weekly basis and/or b.) talk to me on the phone several times a week and listen to me brag/bitch/babble about baby stuff that they have never experienced.

I'll start with Tiffany.
Tiffany and I met through Dustin's friend Derek. They started dating almost three years ago and the second I met her, I loved her. She has become one of my very best friends and is genuinely like a sister to me. She reminds me so much of myself in certain ways and the bond her and I have is so wonderful.
Since Lily was born, Tiffany has been such an active part of her life. Lily recognizes her and loves her already. Tiff is a natural mom, even though I know having a child scares the shit out of her, and is so comfortable with her. She has made Lily a part of her extended family and brings her a gift almost every.single.time we get together (which is obviously unnecessary).
Tiff listens to my every detail of Lily's adventures. If she is sick of hearing about it, it's hard to tell! She is amazing at supporting me and listening to things that she hasn't experienced yet. She's just amazing and I am so lucky to have her...and so is Lily. I know Tiff will always be a staple in Lily's life, which is so comforting.

Tiff, Lily and . July '09

Tammie.
Tammie is one of my far away friends (even though she just lives in the east coast of Florida) but she is such a wonderful person and a cherished friend.
Her and I met in 2003 when Dustin and I lived in Boca Raton. Her and I worked together waiting on tables. The funny thing about her and I back then is that we actually didn't spend that much time together when I lived there. We built most of our friendship after I moved home, through telephone.
We've seen each other through so much, and even though our lives are so different, she is such a great friend with a beautiful spirit. She was one of my bridesmaids and is one of the best listeners I know. Her first question during our weekly telephone conversations is always, "How's Lily??", with such genuine enthusiasm. I just love her.

The day of my baby shower, March '09.

Nicole.
Nicole is one of my newer friends, who happens to be about 7 months pregnant. Nicole and I met through Tiffany, actually. I've known Nicole's husband for years but we all connected through friends and all spend a lot of weekends together.
Nicole share the obvious bond of her impending child but she is one of the sweetest, most honest, genuine women I have ever met. We've actually only have been friends for about 8-9 months but it seems like a lifetime. She is so wonderful with Lily (as is her husband, who has actually been known to get Lily to sleep when Dustin and I have not) and she listens to my endless unsolicited advice about motherhood. Somehow, I have not scared this girl away from me! She is incredibly supportive and has such positive energy.

Me, Tiff and Nicole at Nicole's baby shower. November '09

One of the most amazing things about all three of these women are that our friendships have actually gotten stronger since Lily has come into the world, which is a tough thing to accomplish since having a new baby makes nurturing friendships more difficult. These women do not shy away from the baby conversations and actually love to hear about boring things, like sleeping through the night, teething, eating pureed food, etc.

I have been so fortunate to find women like these in my life. I know each of them will be amazing parents someday (Nicole, in only 6 weeks or so!) and I hope to return the support they gave given me.

My Village Part 2: My Parents

2009-11-30T08:31:00.003-05:00

First, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!
That whole day seemed like such a blur and I cannot believe it's over. We hosted it ,which I would NOT recommend doing on your baby's first, it's just too much, but thankfully we didn't cook much because we did it pot luck style. It was nice, just exhausting, even though we only had 10 people. We did have about 20 or so for dessert, which was fun.
All in all, it was beautiful to have all of my friends and family together.

Speaking of family, I thought this would be a good day to do a "Village Post" on my parents. Their 38th anniversary was on Friday, which is so wonderful to me. They have certainly been amazing role models for marriage. Theirs is truly a partnership and has seen a lot of ups and downs, but amazing all the same. Happy anniversary!

There are really not enough words in the world to explain my parents' role in my life and what they do for me, especially in regards to Lily. Yes, I am an only child, which means that they certainly do focus all of their attention on me, so I might be a little closer to my parents than some, but when it comes to Lily, they have been such a Godsend.

Since the day Lily was born, they have been a staple in her life. My mom watches her 3 days a week in the afternoons, while Dustin and I are working, in addition to her regular 35 hour a week nanny job. It is so much fun to watch my mom with Lily. I can't say that I've ever seen my mom more happy. Lily just lights up when she sees my mom and my dad for that matter. They are the TRUE meaning of grandparents.

In addition to being a part of Lily's day care plan, my mom also watches her every other chance she can get, which is so amazing to have! Dustin and I have been able to go on dates, which not every couple gets to do when they're new parents, I've been able to go to the gym...basically, any excuse my mom can get to watch her :)
My dad has even watched her alone a couple of times and does so well with her. Not that I ever doubted that he would, but she can be a handful sometimes and it has been 33 years since I was a baby. He has been able to get her to calm down when no one else could, such as after her 4 month shots or a teething spell.

They have also been such a source of moral support for Dustin and I as well. There have been days where I just felt at my wits end, but my parents are always standing right behind me to empower me and will also be that extra set of arms I need to hold a screaming Lily. That kind of support is so rare and so comforting.

You truly do appreciate and respect your parents more when you have your own child. You now have the deep understanding of just how challenging raising a child is and all the sacrifices that go along with parenting.

Thanks, mom and dad, for loving Lily like you do and being such amazing grandparents. I know she knows already how lucky she is to have you.

Now, stop crying mom and come over so we can take Lily shopping.

Things that change when you're a mommy.

2009-11-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

I found this on BabyCenter.com and really liked this list. Some are written by website readers, the first 15 by an author. I highlighted the ones that I thought to be so very true for me, although they're all great.

You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
You respect your body ... finally.
You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
Your heart breaks much more easily.
You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
Every day is a surprise.
Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
You become a morning person.
Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

And from our readers...

"You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
"You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
"You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
"You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
"You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
"You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
"You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
"You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
"You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
"You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
"You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
"You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
"You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place." — Arizona
"You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart." — Brooke&Boys
"I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"!" — gummismom
"The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect." — japanese_macaque
"Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING!" — DylanLsMom
"No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
"You want to take better care of yourself for your child." — Treasor
"You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008

"It takes a village...

2009-11-23T15:27:00.006-05:00

...to raise a child".

No, I'm not endorsing Hillary Clinton's book from the 90's. I never even read it or gave it a second thought... but I will say that I definitely believe in the proverb. I'm not even talking about "a village" in the sense of an actual community, but rather in the sense of family, and extended family.

My mom loves this proverb and has quoted it since the day Lily was born. Call me spoiled but I have a lot of help with raising Lily- my husband, my family and my friends. Many women don't even get a third of the help that I do. I'll admit it, I accept all of the help I can get. As amazing as being a parent is, having a baby isn't easy and it isn't all rainbows and puppy dogs. I would certainly not be a mentally sound person without the help I have.

"The Happiest Baby on the Block" is a book I picked up on the recommendation of several of my mom friends. It mostly discusses how to calm a fussy baby and I would thumb through it when Lily was having a bad day. It has some great information, even though it is written by a man (no offense to men, but come on, men don't always nurture babies the way women do). Anyway, towards the back of the book it has the "Top Ten Survival Tips for Parents of New Babies".

Number 3 struck me, when I was flipping through it months ago:

"Accept Help"
"Never in history were a mother and a father expected to care for their baby all by themselves. The idea of a nuclear family- one mother and one father to do it all- is one of mankind's most recent, and riskiest, experiments, attempted only over the last two or three generations. (That's a mere sixty years out of 60,000 years since the modern human era began.) In the past, a couple's family and community always pitched in to help, and later the couple would return the favor."

(It then goes on a bit to talk about not feeling guilty when asking for/accepting help, etc., Which, in my opinion, is so difficult to do. Guilt has been an innate part of our culture in terms of asking for help. Even if we ask our own husbands to change a diaper or do a feeding, we, as mothers, tend to feel a twinge of guilt. I solely blame modern day American society for this.)

Without getting too philosophical, the reason why I bring this up is this: I want to talk about my village. I thought it would be a good idea to individually name and discuss all of my support system, especially those pertaining to Lily, and the role that they play. I know this may be risky, since I don't want to exclude anyone and hurt anyone's feelings, but it's something I want to do as a tribute.

With the holidays here, I thought this would be a great time to do this. I will do a couple posts a week until Christmas and name a member (or members) of my "village", in no particular order of importance, obviously. (For those of you that blog and want to play along and talk about your village, feel free. I love to read about other peoples families and support).

Today: My friend Jessica.
Jessica is one of my FIFs (see this post for an explanation) and lives in California. She got married in August '08, like I did, and has a one year old named Joey. I cannot say enough about this woman.

Being that Joey is only 6 months older than Lily, I go to Jessica for every.single.question that I have and have done so since day one of Lily's life. Not only since Lily was born, but all throughout pregnancy too. She went through everything that I/we did, just 6 months ahead of me. From formula switching, to reflux, to sleep issues, to tummy time, to puree feeding...then to more personal things such as arguments with my husband, to body changes...I have asked Jessica for her input every step of the way. She also happens to understand what it's like to have an opposite schedule as your husband, and that single parent feeling it brings to the mix, which can be very difficult.

She always happily answers my questions, listens, and offers support. She saved me at least 20 phone calls to my pediatrician's office, and makes me feel less crazy when I'm having a bad day. She is truly an amazing woman with a heart of gold. She also happens to be a great role model as a mother. She has a laid back attitude and puts emphasis on the appropriate issues, in regards to being a parent.

Thanks for being you Jess and helping me through this new, crazy mommy life. I honestly could not have made it this far without your help.

It's been a half of a year.

2009-11-18T08:04:00.003-05:00

Dear Lily,

Six months ago, I had only been a mom for 3 days. I don't even think it really hit me that I was a mom, responsible for you and your well being. It all seemed so surreal...sometimes it still does. At that time, the majority of your activities included sleeping and eating. Of course you were just an amazing little being, but I couldn't help but wonder what you would be like when you started becoming active and started exploring your world.

Now, as I sit here watching you play in your exersaucer, so busy and curious, I can't believe how much has changed for you since you came into our lives. It's just amazing what a half of a year will do and how fast it goes. I want to stop time for a bit so I can memorize every single little thing you're doing, what your little personality is like and what you look like. Pictures and videos just don't do you justice. I'm hoping these letters will help me remember, especially when you're a teenager and giving us a hard time :)

Your already 17lbs 2oz and 27" long ,which puts you in the 82nd percentile for height! You're going to have long legs like your mom. Your hair is still so red, including your eyebrows and eyelashes. We're still amazed by that! You don't look anything like me...but that's ok. You are a little clone of your dad, which is beautiful.

You are so active these days, I can't imagine what you're going to be like when you're walking!

You love practicing your leg strength with your exersaucer and jump-a-roo toys.
You take things out of our hands all of the time (which Dr. Mesghali says is a nine month milestone. I knew you were advanced:).
You sit up unassisted for a few minutes at a time.
You're trying desperately to crawl and although you aren't quite there yet, you can scoot yourself across the room with your leg strength.

Other fun things you're up to:

You're eating fruits and veggies. You love pears, sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas.
You have two teeth that sprouted about 3 weeks ago, and more on the way. Teething has been a challenge for you on some days so you love to chew on everything that's in front of you.
You are intrigued with technology. Cell phones, computers, remotes, cameras...all very interesting to you.
You're learning how to drink out of a sippy cup.
You're napping a little bit better these days but it's still very inconsistent. You're just too busy! You just started napping in your crib this week, as opposed to always in the corner of the couch.
You do still sleep through the night from about 7:30pm-5am and then back to sleep for an hour or so after you eat.
You giggle when we make kissing noises or raspberries at you.
Speaking of raspberries, you love to imitate them.
You reach out for Bear whenever he is near you.

I cannot believe how absolutely perfect you are. Your dad and I could not be more proud. Even when you're fussing, because of your poor little mouth being sore, I just watch you, trying to capture the way you look at me, and never wish even those stressful moments away. This time just goes by too quickly. I know I'm going to blink my eyes and you'll be getting ready for your first day of school. I'm trying to be as "in the moment" as possible right now, while I can still hold you and smell the baby on you.

With your first Thanksgiving just nine days away, I realize just how much I have to be thankful for. I don't know how I lived without your smile, your laugh, your big blue/green eyes, staring at me, your reach, your chubby little thighs...you have been such a blessing. You are my biggest accomplishment and the center of my universe.

Don't grow up too fast little girl. I know you'll grow into the most amazing toddler, kid, young adult, teen and then woman, but just don't get there too fast.

Happy six months. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom.
Love,
Mommy

Life's little necessities.

2009-11-14T08:02:00.009-05:00

I would like to talk about of a few of my favorite things. Baby things, of course. Things that I would prefer to not live without...and some I could.

I got this idea from this blog I follow, who's author has a four week old. She had some good things suggested but I have more to add, since Lily is older. I'm hoping some of my mom-friends-to-be will find this helpful.

I'll start with the obvious, pacifiers and bottles. In our world, it's Soothies and Dr. Browns.
Even if you don't have a baby, you've seen these pacis. I think they are the standard in all hospitals across the U.S. and they are sent from heaven. Lily took to a paci from day one. I know she will have orthodontic issues and all kinds of other psychological issues from sucking on a paci, according to some philosophies...but I don't care. It keeps her happy and soothed (no pun intended).

As far as bottles go, we could have been a retailer the first 8 weeks of Lily's life. We tried them ALL: Playtex Drop-Ins, Playtex Vent Aires, Avent, Born Free, Nuk. I think the only ones we didn't try were the super cheap, dollar store brand. Since Lily had belly issues ("reflux", as they called it, which I firmly believe most babies have), we needed to make sure she wasn't sucking in a ton of air. Dr. Brown is one smart mofo because they ended up being the only bottles that worked. And while you're at it, if you're a formula feeder, get this mixing pitcher too. Makes life easy.

We love our Diaper Genie II Elite. Keeps the stink in. It does really work.

Swaddle blankets. Swaddling was THE reason that Lily slept through the night at 6 weeks of age, and the reason why she gave us 5 hour stretches from day one. She loved it. When she started rolling over at 3.5 months of age, and we had to stop swaddling her, it was a sad, sad night in the Nichols household.

We liked the Miracle Blanket, the Aden and Anais muslin blankets (especially for when she got bigger), and our favorite were the ones we stole from the hospital:

These little snuggle blankets are awesome too (I know there is a name for them. Someone help me out here). I wasn't sure what they were for at first but when she was about 2-3 months old, she loved to rub these as she was falling asleep. Now she not only rubs them, but examines them. I think we have 5 of these laying around. They're very comforting to her.

Our video monitor. Love. Yes, it's a bit excessive in price (but they have come down quite a bit) but you know what, it kept me from running in her room ever 2 minutes to check on her. Priceless. The best part was that we can turn the volume all of the way down (since we can hear her cry from anywhere in the house) and just hit the video button to see her. I'm telling you, best.invention.ever.

Something, anything, to chew on. These Bright Stars Chill and Teethe are great. Our friends picked these up for us when they experienced the hell that is teething one night with us. This vibrating teether is pretty cool too. We were oh so lucky that she started teething at 3 months. She now has two teeth and it doesn't appear to be slowing down yet. Nothing else seems to work for Lily, except Infant Motrin. I've tried several types of Orajel, herbal pellets, and Tylenol. If someone has another suggestion let me know.

Some suggestions that need no explanation:

Fisher Price My Little Lamb Swing.

Exersaucer. Any exersaucer will do.

This is her newest love.
They now make these "jumperoos" that are an exersaucer and jumping thing in one, which look pretty cool.

Some things that were a waste of money for us or would have never used:

A bottle sanitizer. This is what a dishwasher is for. Invest in a dishwasher basket and you're all set.
A wipe warmer.
A bottle warmer. I missed the memo that babies' bottles do not have to be warmed.
A baby wearing device. Bought a Moby, HATED it, bought a sling, HATED it, bought a Baby Bjorn and it's fine but we've used it 4 times. I am not in the majority with this one though. Some babies love to be worn, just not mine.

"We didn't have any of this shit when you were a baby".
I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that come out of my mom's mouth. Yes, I know, moms in our generation are spoiled with conveniences and I'm sure if Lily decides to have a baby someday, I will say the same thing to her about how lucky she is to have what we didn't have!

"What are FIFs?"

2009-11-08T08:32:00.010-05:00

I get that question a lot because of the amount of times I mention them on my blog.

These are FIFs:

Well, those are some of them. That was taken in March at my baby shower.

FIFs= Freaky Internet Friends.

You asked, I shall tell you.

Back in June of 2007, right after Dustin and I got engaged, I stumbled across a wedding website called The Knot. If you've ever planned a wedding, or have even been IN a wedding, you know about The Knot. It's a wealth of useless information. Ok, some of it is useful but really, it's adding to our society's sick love affair with the wedding industry....which I AM NOT complaining about since it is my full intention to capitalize on that industry as well someday.

Anyway, off topic.

I stumbled across the "Community" boards on The Knot site (read: a chat room of sorts). I started posting in the Destination Wedding forum. There, I met women like me, planning a wedding from afar.

It was like crack cocaine, this forum. I seriously became addicted to reading these women's "bios", which are pages that we would construct telling all about our "very special day"; what kind of "look" we were going for, what our flowers would look like, what our engagement story was...it was all very self indulgent but I'm telling you, addicting, and I did score some great ideas from these women.

After a couple months of posting on that board and "getting to know" some of those girls, I got a little bored in that forum. Every post became "ZOMG, I LOVE YOUR DRESS", or, "Squeeeeee!!!, Your engagement pictures are so beautiful". You can only read that shit so much before it gets on your nerves. Not to say I didn't meet some wonderful women on that board, I definitely did (Hi, Christy :), but because there are always more women joining the group, it became monotonous.

So, I decided to check out my local board, "West Florida". Nothing worth noting there...except Nez1230, aka Natalie from Tampa.

Her and I were posting back and forth one night and it turned out that we had a lot in common: we were getting married on the same day, both went to FSU, both had the same first dance song. It was a friendship matched in wedding industry cyber-space heaven.

Natalie directed me to our "Club" board (read: which month you are getting married board).

Ahhh, 8/08.

Here is where I met the most amazing group of women.
There were about 30 of us that posted on a regular basis. And by regular, I mean all day long sometimes. Funny thing was that we barely posted about wedding related topics. We really got to know one another. Our group was really diverse but had a great balance of snarky, funny, honest, bitchy and kind. These women are some of the most supportive people in my life.

We've seen one another through engagements, weddings, honeymoons, separations, pregnancies, miscarriages, deaths, births, relocation's, lay offs, new jobs....you name it. Honest to God friendships, just from far away.

Now, about a year and half after I found 8/08, most of us still keep in touch. 24 of us, to be exact. We had to find our own venue, since The Knot basically kicked us out, but we still check in on a daily basis.

Several of us have met in person. Not all at once, but we're working on that. The biggest get together we had to date was my baby shower. There were 12 of us there, which was so much fun.

Thank you girls for being part of my support system. You all are amazing in your own way. I couldn't have survived most of the last year and a half without all of you.

There. More than you ever wanted to know about FIFs. Call it weird if you want. I know how it sounds, but I am so lucky that I became addicted to The Knot.

Lily's First Halloween

2009-11-04T19:40:00.009-05:00

We had so much fun on Lily's first Halloween. I'm actually sad it's over already! She was SUCH a good baby and very tolerant of what we put her through :)
Downtown Venice does a parade for the kids that dress up and then all of the stores have trick or treating. There were wayyyy too many people down there and it was incredibly hot but totally worth taking Lily down there to show her off.
Originally, she was going to be a monkey, because that's her nickname, but when I put the costume on her, she looked like a little boy. So, I had the idea to start searching for a flower, for obvious reasons. I found one on ebay and here is the dress rehearsal:

Notice the fleece body suit and head piece. Someone should really come up with a costume line for warmer climates.
Anyway, I really wanted to dress up too, something to compliment what Lily was dressed as, so Dustin came up with idea of gardeners. I then had the idea to go to Home Depot to buy a plastic flower pot so it would be easy to carry her around in. This is how it turned out:

I guess it was a good costume idea because a bunch of people stopped to ask us for our picture. I was a little overwhelmed with the attention. I really didn't think it was a big deal!
Lily did well though. She was very relaxed and she was such a trooper. We spent about an hour downtown and gathered some candy. I always said that I was going to have a kid to score some Halloween candy!

Here are some other pictures from the day...

Practicing sitting in her pot.

Just getting there. She was spacing out.

Our group, minus my dad, who always seems to evade being in pictures.
Yes, we had 8 adults to one child...actually 10 at one point, when Dustin's parent were there. Ridiculous. We have great friends and family that tolerated the crowds and heat to hang out with Lily. Notice Nicole with the pumpkin on her belly. She's due in February so she's next in line for the baby adventure!

And just to show how talented our friends are, here are our pumpkins:

From left to right we have Derek and Tiff's Asian pumpkin, Drew's funny football mouth (according to Nicole), Nicole's Bugs Bunny, Lily's water lily, butterfly and a dragonfly, and then Dustin's skull and cross bones. The one behind Dustin's is fake :)

My mom made mention that I didn't do a 5 month post for Lily. I did take some 5 month onesie pictures but they didn't turn out great so I have all of these great pictures from Halloween to remind me of what she looked like at 5 months.
What she's up to...

She cut two teeth about 2 weeks ago. I thought we would get a break in the hell that is teething...and I guess we did...for about 5 glorious days, but she must be cutting another one because she is back to non-stop drool, incessantly chewing on things, screaming and restless sleep.
Speaking of restless sleep, she is still not a great sleeper overall. How I miss the days of 10pm-8am, from 6 weeks until she was almost 4 months. :sigh:. Now, she sleeps from about 7:30pm-5am, then she might go back to sleep for an hour around 6:30am.
Naps are still extremely sporadic. Some days she'll sleep for an hour in the afternoon and a couple 30 minute naps, other days its just a couple 20 minute naps here and there. There is not telling. Truth be told, we SUCK at trying to enforce a schedule with naps. Not only a schedule but also getting her to sleep in her crib. She naps on the couch, surrounded by pillows. We will not win the parent of the year award with that little known fact.
She loves reaching for everything and touching people's faces.
Loves sweet potatoes and pears. Not apples. At all.

Bored yet? Holy big post.

My Pumpkin.

2009-10-26T21:29:00.011-04:00

Lily's first trip to the pumpkin patch!

We didn't pick the best day to go, being that her and I were both sick, but I thought the fresh air would do us some good. It definitely did. It was a gorgeous day and she seemed happy to be outside..although you can tell she wasn't feeling great in a couple of those pictures. Her eyes tell it all. It was fun though!

Lily has been so busy in her 5th month of life! We had a blast in New Hampshire last week with Jaime, Matt and Ryan. Ryan ADORED Lily. He is such a sweet boy and being raised so well. If I am half as good as a mother as Jaime, I'm doing pretty well!

Some highlights...

Apple Picking!

Cuddling with Ryan.

Scenic train ride.

Flirting with new boys.

Breakfast with FIFs! (internet friends :)

We carved pumpkins with some friends last week so I'll have to post some pictures of that too but I'm pretty sure I'm on picture overload with this post!
Up next...Halloween!

My Bear Dog.

2009-10-22T17:15:00.008-04:00

I thought it was about time to write about my best friend.
I've spent so much time and energy focused on my pregnancy and then Lily, of course, but I don't talk too much about Bear.

Bear came into my life in February of 1999. He was born in December of 1998 and came from a back yard breeder about 30 minutes from my house. He was advertised as "One male left!". I'm not sure why but this bothered me. I just didn't think that was a selling point and I felt like maybe that "one male left" was lonely.

I should back up a bit...At the time, I didn't know much about dogs, breeders, puppy mills, etc. I was 22 and a bit naive about how over populated the world is with unwanted dogs. The only experiences I had with owning my own dog was, once when I was 8, we got it from a puppy store, it got sick and died when it was 2, and then again when I was 19, in college, bought a Beagle from a back yard breeder, that I ended up giving up to a better home. A 700sq foot apartment was no place for a BEAGLE who needed to run. So, basically, all I knew is that I lived alone, I loved dogs and I also wanted some protection of sorts. My dad said, "you need to get a gun or a dog". A dog it was.

So, I got to visit this "one male left" house. The people owned the mom of the litter and bred her with a police dog down the street. There were 4 females in the litter, already spoken for, in a play pin out on these people's porch. Cute...but where is the male? "Oh, we leave him in the bathroom alone because he's big and clumsy. We didn't want him around the females." WHHATTTT?? Mean. I needed to rescue this pup.
The bathroom door opens and this comes bounding toward me:

Cutest dog I have ever seen. Clumsy, yes, but so cute, with HUGE paws. I was in love.
I named him Bear because the "breeders" thought he resembled a teddy bear, so that's what they called him. I thought it suited him.

Bear was so easy to train, well, with my dad's help :), and he was SO smart. His loyalty emerged immediately. Not an aggressive bone in his body, but he sure sounded mean right from the start. The vet said he would be a big dog, weighing 17lbs at 8 weeks old. He was certainly right. He stands realllly tall, about to my thigh, and he was about 105lbs in his healthiest years.

He loved to chew on rawhide, play ball, play frisbee, go on car rides, go to the beach (yet, hated the water and would literally bark at it), go on visits but most of all LOVES FOOD!

Here's a few pictures throughout the years...

About 3 months old.

A little over a year old.

3 years old.

9 years old.

Dog lovers know that there is nothing like the bond you share with "man's best friend". Absolutely nothing. I know people are thinking, "what about Lily and that bond?". Yes, true, but it's totally different. The bond with a dog is a friendship, an honest to God's true friendship, like no other.

Bear has seen me through my darkest days and the most beautiful days. There couldn't be a more true meaning of "for better or worse".
Bear has endured:

6 different houses.
2 ex's.
My various mental states, due to being hormonal and emotional from the above mentioned ex's.
1 step dog with my ex.
Various foster dogs.
Surviving bloat, which only about 2-5% of dogs survive.
Car trips to avoid hurricanes.
A new baby in the house.

The list goes on and on....

Now, at almost 11 years old, he is a trooper. He is not in the best of health, battling arthritis, hip dysplasia and spinal mylopathy...but, his spirit remains the same somehow. He still thinks he can play, still loves the outside, loves his "gramps", loves Lily, and most of all... still stands by my side.

I know he won't be around for much longer. It just isn't in the cards, but I thank God for the years we've had. He is the best dog anyone could ever have. Honest to God, no other dog is better than Bear. Those of you that have met him know what I mean.

Thanks for being my best friend Bear dog. I'm not sure what I did to deserve you but thank you.

My friend Jessie took this picture in March and it's one of my favorites.

This and That

2009-10-14T18:02:00.007-04:00

Random. No direction to this at all.

Lily has actually been NAPPING these last few days. To what I owe this honor, I have no idea but I will take what I can get. It's never more than 30-40 minutes, but whatever!
She is "tri-pod sitting", eating her feet and anything else that is in her reach, loving her exersaucer, and has the reddest hair I have ever seen.
Dustin bought me this for my birthday:

and we kayaked here, for its maiden voyage (Stump Pass)...

We had a blast. My sister-in-law bought me an awesome book that tells all of the kayaking spots in Florida. We're excited to explore Florida a little more with this new adventure.

We're going to New Hampshire this coming weekend to see one of my very best friends, Jaime, and her little family:

This is her and her boy Ryan, who is now 15 months old! She is pregnant with her second, crazy girl. We're so freakin excited to see fall! We'll be meeting up with a bunch of my FIFs and their husbands and babies up there too. So.excited.

I cannot wait for Halloween. Lily is going to be so cute.
I am nervous about flying with Lily because I don't want to be "that" person with the screaming baby.
I have to get over the above mentioned because this winter Lily and I will be flying to Wisconsin for a friend's baby shower! Brrrrrrrrrrrr!
I have decided I would go insane without the help of my parents, in regards to Lily.
I FINALLY got back to the gym this week and it felt fantastic.
I wish more of my extended family was closer.
I have never felt so blessed as I do these days.

Saturday Night Happiness

2009-10-03T22:16:00.008-04:00

(yep, it says pumpkiM. Thanks, Nicole=)
+

Those things were my Saturday night happiness.

FSU was sucking ass, so I went shopping at Target, discovered the deliciousness of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte (yes, I'm late on this, I realize), all in the company of my beautiful daughter who happened to be in a great mood. Funny that she always seems happy while we're shopping.

Appreciation.

2009-09-22T22:40:00.002-04:00

I was going to make this a post to bitch. A post to bitch about how much I have on my plate and how some people in my life don't seem to understand what being a full time working mom is really about.

The itch to do this was ignited by two emails I received this week, from two separate people, asking if they've done something wrong because I haven't called them back.

Neither of these people have children so I am deciding not to bitch.

I too was once, not so long ago, a childless adult that also questioned why I wouldn't hear from my friends with children. I would think to myself, "that kid HAS to nap, why can't they call me then?", or something similar.

I get it now.

Instead, I want to post this in appreciation to all of my friends and family, moms or non-moms, that have been so understanding of why I haven't called or have only been able to keep in touch sporadically. I can't tell you what it means to me to have the support system that I do. It's amazing. So, thank you...

Thank you to the friends that I only speak to once every six months, but we pick up right where we left off. I love that.

Thank you to my friends that understand when Lily is screaming bloody murder that I have to get off the phone, right then and there.

Thank you to my family that will still call to check on me every few weeks, even though I only return every 4th phone call, but never question me.

Thank you to my mommy friends that will let me make the entire conversation about Lily because I really need some support in that moment.

Thank you to my friends that understand my selfishness when it relates to Lily.

Thank you to my friends that live close, that happen to not have children, that come over and not only tolerate Lily's screaming but do everything you can to help.

Just, thank you.

Having a baby has been the most intense challenge of my life so far. I'm so fortunate to have family and friends close to make it easier. That is priceless. I will say that most of my friends made parenting look so easy. These people are super heroes to me....actually, all moms are super heroes to me!

To those that think having a baby is just an excuse to not stay in touch, or something of the like, I hope you can experience this someday. Not to see how challenging it is but to see how absolutely beautiful it is. To see that there is NOTHING in the world that you would rather do than to smell your baby's head and sing her a song while rocking her. To see that getting 5 hours of broken sleep a night is worth it just to look at her smile at you at 5am in the light of her nightlight. To see that working a ten hour day is totally worth it because you know you are able to provide her with things she needs and wants. To see that rolling over and giggling are the most gorgeous things to see and hear. To see that everything else in life is quite trivial and that spending every possible second with her is indeed what matters.